Speckles n Spectrum

Hey, Pa. If I had a baby that year s/he will be 12 years old by now and probably graduating from elementary, might have been something to celebrate right? But no we're not that kind of teens in spite of not growing up with a complete family because you have to leave before we even get to truly understand the meaning of "life."

Life has been pretty tough since. It was a rocky road and I wish it was delicious as an ice cream haha but it wasn't. So you might ask what's up? Hmmm, nothing much. I'm still that kid who learned the word stubborn when I was in Grade 2 because it was written in red ink at the back of my report card. Sweet right? Haha

I still miss those days because you were the only one who can actually laugh with me and my mistakes. I can break things and take it as if it was nothing making me feel I'm more important than that piece of glassware. (I still have that scar in one of my fingers that reminds me how you've offered to continue washing the dishes after I was wounded by a broken glass.)

I'm not saying good things about you because you're already gone. You know I'm not that kind of person. I won't lie just because you're already dead. I'm not into a game of impressing the living so why would I do things to please the departed? Silly right?

We had bad times too. In fact I clearly remember that you rarely get angry. It was a once a year event at most and I'm the lucky one who always get to celebrate it with a few strokes of real leather belt on my behind. And we know if you're pissed when we hear the keyword "sinvergüenza" followed by few bicol curses. 

We even argue once because of that shirt you're wearing in this photo. I was 10 years old and growing to be boyish and starting to lend your shirts. I argue that it has pink on it so girls can wear it too. I won and I'm pretty sure not because you bought my argument  =)

But you know all of that and perhaps everything about us since probably you're up there watching us make a damn mess in this world. So really what's up with me finally writing about this dreaded topic? It's been years and you know what I guess I am finally free. I'm even surprise because this year it feels so good to be true.

Last year I wasn't able to think about it because we were all busy with the souvenir shop/cofitti and resto. I guess that's my gift from Virgen de Peñafrancia on her tercentenary year: peace of mind. I've been busy dealing with other stuff that I skipped the melancholy brought by September in 2010. I didn't have time to sit and day dream with a misty eye while listening to that Luther Vandross' song.

Quite the same thing happened this June on your death anniversary. I got busy with stuff and the next thing I knew I slept through the whole day. Then here's your birthday you're 57 by now, old man... haha

And you know what Pa? It's amazing to still be here after years of losing you and realizing that for this year it's going to be different from the rest for I finally let go. I no longer pray the same stuff. My litanies aren't wishful thinking and my day dreams are no longer the old what ifs. Finally I'm living in the present tense. I won't lie, I still cry when I think about you and I can't promise to keep my eyes dry whenever you pop in my head but it's now tears of joy, of remembering, and reliving the memories.

I can't still see the bigger picture of His decision of claiming you too early but I'm more optimistic and open to the idea that whatever His reasons might be something for the better.

But hey, stop right there. Do you all really think I'm that super duper mega stubborn that I needed to get through all these initiations to get pass life on earth? As if I wanted to go to your so called heaven haha

Life is a freak but well, sorry life for I am freakier than you. Gotcha!

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I got this song we loved to listen to during my grade school years. Sorry I lost the cassette tape I don't know why of all tapes Matt Monro's album is missing while Vina Morales and the Cha-Cha tapes are still here, shame.

I guess this song speaks a lot about you and the things that remind me of you. These are the stuff that made up my ideals too. Thanks for everything and sorry I'm not the type to make promises for I think promises are made to be broken and I'm forgetful and fickle which makes it more difficult. But I know for sure that's fine with you because you've always been very accepting of who we are.

So long Pa, I'm just here being myself. I know that's good enough. I don't need fireworks or anything to make you appreciate the rest of me. You've been with us for only a short span but you were able to give us what some people might take more than a lifetime to accomplish. You're not the teacher yet you've given us the most wonderful lessons without being aware that you did. You don't impose or force, you gave us freewill and had always asked, "Ano ang gusto mo nene?" You made us feel what love truly is, we don't need to sacrifice anything to earn it because you've given it for free and unconditionally.

Ma said you're the sosy type, you're spoiled and your hands were too soft for a man which in layman's term "lazy." (I do get the same comments about my hands (which I think is too shallow for people to conclude laziness by just basing on the softness of your hands because I too do household chores for am closer to being poor than being a princess) but I'd like to ask: Is loving household chores the sole basis of being industrious? If it was my, why did I wasted my time going to school if everyone just wanted us to perfect dish washing and doing the laundry? Ha ha, sorry stupid thoughts again. Well, I went to school so I can find something to do that doesn't involve scrubbing the tiles all the time. Though I wouldn't mind doing it once a year haha)

Seriously, I don't care I'm not blind and I know of course that every person has their negative traits but yours simply drowned in the long list of distinctive good things:

• you're the most down to earth person I've known
• you give the last of your centavo even to strangers who knock even on the wee hours
• you're a friend to all that even little kids admire you
• you're loyal and faithful that even if girls drool you simply tease your way out
• you're the easiest to please for your joys were of simple things

 and there's quite a list but I'm going to cut it here before you yell out your magic word =)

101 Truths About Me: #6 I love to cook.

I consider myself as an occasional cook because there's a part of me that's a wannabe chef... hehe

Hmmm... let me just copy+paste here what I wrote in my fb album with the same title:

Occasional Cook (wannabe SHIyfT!) 

I heart making ordinary days extra special in simple ways :) This is where I post my culinary mess. Occasional cook because I only cook when there's an occasion and when I feel like there is an occasion even during ordinary days and the rest don't ask me to do the cooking I'm simply incapable :)

As a child I've always been interested in cooking. I've learned to cook through my father whom I call Papa. Like me he was an occasional cook, meaning we cook only when there's a special occasion. (Sorry I got weird vocabulary and I have my own made-up dictionary... ha ha)

My father was a lavish party thrower and he loved food so much. I grew up exposed in his cooking. You can't make him cook when there's no happening or event but he likes to celebrate every occasion in our life be it a birthday, anniversary, winning a contest, getting awards or perfect a test, recognition day, and of course fiesta and holidays and yeah, I just have to add winning cockfights and mahjong.

He loved entertaining people and when you say feast, it meant feast. The most extravagant party I can remember was his birthday (I'm not really sure about the exact age maybe somewhere around 42) but he had turbo broiled the same number of native chickens with his age that time plus a whole Lechon and other main dishes which were all his favorites. And I never had a problem with those list of his fave food because everything is simply delicious but Mama isn't feeling the same way about it for they're all not on the cheap side and it's all bad for his health.

Main dish cooking background came from Papa and baking and desserts knowledge came from Mama. We sell the most expensive Ice Candy in our town when I was still in grade school. Avocado flavored, 1 piece is 5 pesos, regular Ice candy price that time would be 1 or 2 pesos but we do that only during summer. That's our way to consume our avocado supply coming from our vacant lot.

But still I am not a professional chef nor a cook. I cook when I want to and I'm never an expert. I'm actually hesitating in telling people that I've studied and have a certification in a 1-month 5-days a week Culinary Arts class in an organization rooted from Germany for its founder is Father Adolph Kolping hence the name  Kolping Society Philippines, Inc. because I don't want them to expect too much on my cooking.

It was a commercial cooking class and the menu were Filipino food and the main objective is how to commercialize it. I've learned from it a lot. It made the food cheaper in cost through quantity but not cheap when it comes to taste for it retains almost the same taste as the original recipes.

But I'm not into cooking Filipino food (not that I don't like it) but most of them are actually too tedious to make and so better if I just buy it since it's pretty available anywhere here. That's easier to do - just buy it, cheaper and even tastier than my cooking most probably... less hassle. Though I can cook some if ever I want to but only some of my fave like adobo.

My cooking mantra is affordability, quality and time-saving. So I prefer to cook meals that are easy to prepare and less hassle and now I just added healthier. I'm starting to get serious being vegan but not that hardcore. I'm just willing to give up meat for now. So expect vegan recipes from me from now on. I'm actually formulating my own recipe. Well I have to because I don't have much resources so I only cook things that are present in our fridge. I am combining the same ingredients over and over creating different one each time to satisfy my fickle taste-buds without spending a fortune.

GetGlue is a social network for entertainment. You can check-in and rate things to discover new favorites movies, tv shows, music and books. You can also see what your friends are into, get your very own stickers and win free stuff. 


I'm not sure of the exact date I registered at GG but I think that was May this year. I discovered it through a fellow Pinoy on twitter (forgot his name already). Even though I can't understand at first the logic of checking in to things like in FourSquare I did join and then forgot about it for a while. Then after a week or so I received an email that my cousin was following me in GG and then I checked it out again and try to understand how it works finally... haha. And only after a few days, I think 3 days, I was able to gain 20 stickers so I ordered my first batch of stickers and after a month here it is... fresh from NYC... ta-da... 

I got an opened envelope because my mother thought it was hers because it only says GetGlue Fan.  But I protest for its says GetGlue Fan and it's an obvious giveaway that it's mine... hay adults,  anyways I still got it, so fine even if it's already opened.

Would you believe these are quality stickers.? From the hi-quality paper used, printing kind and very adhesive.

Today I am grateful for having a family. It's not perfect for nothing is perfect. There's cat fight once awhile, arguments, and conflicts but that's life and we're still here, surviving and still intact midst the trials.

I'd like to excuse myself for not taking much time about the title of this post. Well, it was father's day and Rizal's bday and Naga City chartered anniv, that's triple treat but on a personal note we only have two celebrations: Father's day and my cousin's bday.

I just came up with Double Trouble but it's a celebration albeit a fun one... haha I'm not making sense I know but well to enjoy life you don't really need everything to make sense.

June 19's manoy's 28th bday. He's just one year older than me. We all grew up very close exchanging summers in our homes and celebrating almost every occasion together. Looking back he's the first one to mature and to this day he's still the most spiritual. He gave me the guidance and care I needed during my down days.

He even had this offering just for his birthday.

The food's great especially the salad and grilled liempo, we had little nice family chitchats and Judge Caring join us in this celebration with few friends and videoke of course.

Life is good, indeed.

I'm slacking in this post...
                too happy to think straight and make sense...
                                                                            let's just chill =)

Here's another story from revisiting my Alma mater (see "Time you enjoy wasting isn't wasted time.")

I actually major in extra curricular activities, minor in bumming or loitering around... haha. I didn't choose my course and I rebel by venturing into other things that interest me more like organizations, sports and people. Although I had to balance things out just enough to maintain my partial scholarship or else I'll be out of school for lack of money to afford a decent education.

My having a very photographic memory then make it all possible for me to have an easy breezy student life. I think I'm more street smart than book smart for I seldom read my textbooks though I love to read anything except those. I solely rely in common sense, class discussions and actual teachers' lessons unless I've been absent for a while and I need to catch up but then there's always my classmates' notebooks hehe.

This is actually my fave spot but before there were piles of boxes and sacks of books cluttered here, that's why I got the whole space on my own. Plus a nice view...

But I am truly a bookworm, a lover of books. I love the smell of it and the texture. I love reading anything from newspaper, magazines, encyclopedia to billboards and signage or even vandals. I remember when I was seven years old any elder who's accompanying me walking downtown of Naga City was pestered that they have to wait for me because I was reading all the signage of the stores and all the written stuff in the street. But I don't think I've read enough. There's still a lot more to read... frustrating.

When I am alone in the school my hang out has always been the library. I went first at the second floor to read newspapers from back to cover (weird but I read newspapers backwards.) Then I stay for hours in a corner at the third floor of O'Brien Library reading books.




It was examination week and my class for that day starts at 9:00am but as usual I was super late because of I don't really know why my scooter fracked up almost always during important days. (It was a very old scooter I understand that. It's a Yamaha V50 bought by my father in 1992 just imagine that and I went in college in 2001 - 2005 so yeah very vintage. But during ordinary days it's all fine I even drove it to Mt. Isarog that's why I am raging when it has to stop during very important occasions.)

My late sister with our scooter in 1992.

Therefore as a result I am 30 minutes late but then I know my teacher hated me already for being late almost every session. I had my tuition receipt but then my teacher wanted a permit. I paid my tuition as early as possible when permits weren't release yet so was a receipt enough? No. Oh, ok.

I went back to the cashier and as usual I have to fall in line. I almost wanted to just go home. The buildings aren't that closed enough and my classroom was on the third floor and I have to wear a hot skirt uniform in a very hot day because it is required during exam week and therefore it came along with a high heeled shoes, darn.

Got my permit and I rushed back to the third floor and I only have 30 minutes left to finish the exam, wow! And the insult was I even finish faster than some of my classmates and I got the highest score. Shoot me now but I am not bluffing or saying this because I have a big head and boasting. It's the frakkin' truth. I was even surprise too, one mistake, not bad for a 30-minute time frame.

But I'm still disappointed because I miss the easiest question and it's all because I was absent the day it was discussed, darn!

How it actually happened? Photographic memory. When I am taking a test it's like I have a big manuscript or notebook all written in the board. I can actually remember where it was exactly written in the board when it was discussed or on what part of my classmates notebook or book I've read it. It's like I'm scanning things in my brain for stock memories. Besides for that particular exam the teacher used the same questions given in the previous quizzes and used a sort of code in the answers. That's why once I figured the pattern for the answers it's a lot easier to choose the correct answers.

I wish I still have that photographic memory now. My gadgets ruined it especially my laptop. I rely heavily to its memory rather than my own. I felt like a gadget too, thinking I've no more disk space and I have better things to fill my memories than educational facts. But somehow it still work with certain things that's why I stop watching scary and disgusting things because it gets stuck in my head like forever that sometimes I can't even manage to close my eyes even in the shower. Yeah, that's how bad I get scared though I like the suspense of horror movies yet it's the aftermath that I can't handle well.

Photographic memory + vivid imagination = disaster and paranoia

So better drop it.

I'm actually having a downtime right now, it started last night. I don't know I thought I am tougher now and prepared for stuff like this but I was all so wrong. I'm still too weak dealing with emotional blackmail and it bothers me a lot especially coming from someone very important.

"Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands." ~ Anne Frank ~ (photo credit)

101 Truths About Me: #5 The word "HATE" is a very special word for me for when I say it in a serious manner I truly meant it but it is a darn give away that beyond the word is the very opposite.

Well, you see I guard my heart (maybe it's wrong to be that secure but with my experience I really need to do it or else I'll end up broken or worse in an asylum). I really don't mind the broken part as I am accustomed to that but the latter is what I fear the most. Kindness, sympathy and empathy are my worst traits. Nice to have but fatal to emotional stability. Consider it a gift and curse at the same time, it brings you joy the way it hurts you much.

People may say I'm too kind because I don't have enemies. Yes I don't unless there's someone out there that secretly hates me but as far as I am concern I have no time for making enemies and dealing with them. I have maybe too many acquaintances, civil relationships as they say but only very few intimate friends. And these people that made up my little cult are the ones subjected to that "HATE" word along with my family.

At the moment I actually have 3 people in my list that I "HATE" on and off for this year, ok make that 4, I'm including myself. So yeah, I guess I love myself too, maybe a little too much since I'm hating myself for almost half of the time...hehe. But one thing I learned in my Moral Philosophy class is to "hate the did but never hate the doer." (um, I'm quoting myself duh) But I would like to make exceptions for in my case I hate myself as much as I hate my mistakes.

So it is a given fact for me that if I don't hate something it means it doesn't really exist in my realm of intimate relationship. That's why you wouldn't really hear me talk shit about other people for I really don't care to stay up all night bothered by unimportant selfish, lying, abusive, opportunistic, assholes. Life is too short and precious to be spent in negativity but I like to dwell in muddy pits sometimes, just sometimes, rarely, once in a blue moon I must say but still my rant today isn't about just some parasite gay that social climb for a night for free booze and night of fun and lend some thousand bucks to afford a whore and obviously never pay it back. "FACT you" (See I'm in a bad mood today but I'm still tactful, the word I think still delivers the same impact as the 4-letter F word  but I dare not say in this blog.)

No, I don't hate that gay. He isn't a friend after all and I never considered him to be one and maybe that's how he felt too towards me. But I abhors him not his kind, I have nothing against gays or homos but I really don't like some stuff they like to do but well, it's their life. If they want to get dirty then get dirty but please don't spread your muds on our trails.

Enough of unimportant things let's get on to what I hate. Yes, "Emotional Blackmail." My mother knows my weakness, she is my mother after all not really surprising and I hate her for using this weak points to make sense to me in an argument. She often say "uto-uto ka kaya" (you are gullible) whenever she learned that I am doing something for someone for free. That's another thing I hate about her, she seems to consider all things that I am doing a waste of time, worthwhile for her is something that has a price tag on it. Blogging? What can you get from it? She'll ask. Volunteering? Can it put food on our table? etc. etc.

I know we are not rich but I am thankful for her for letting me live now like a hell of a pensioner. Yes I am admitting it. I deleted the word "independent" in my self-description since I came back home. I am still independent in almost all aspect except "financially" and my mother will add "physically" but I don't agree for that part because even though I'm too lazy for household chores I know I can do it on my own. I've done that in the metro and I am more of the perfectionist for that. I wanted my hair messy-looking YES, but everything else I want it all squeaky clean but now I am saying I don't really mean I am going to do the cleaning. But it doesn't mean that someone needs to do that for me. If I can no longer stand the mess I'll clean it up and that's how my mother does it too but she's just super sensitive on little things that if she want these things to be done, she wanted it in a snap of her fingers. And I hate that snap of the fingers part, it applies whenever, wherever even if that means you have to get out of the toilet while you're in the middle of #2 or you're slumbering in the most weirdest time of the day. Yes, yes, I said I'm going to do it but can you at least wait for a sec, it's not like the world will end if I didn't wash my dishes in a span of 30 minutes.

I am older now I know what to do even if she actually thinks that I don't and treat me like a 7-year old. That stinks. She always say "you don't have a purpose in life." Well, newsflash I do and it's all written in my journals since I was a fourth grader but I know she doesn't really take it as something worthwhile because it doesn't jive with her laid out purpose in her life's plan.

But if you could only learn to wait for just a little more time my worthwhile things will be climbing your definition of worthwhile things in terms of your hefty price tag. But I know it won't change your mind about forcing me into doing the things on your plan but sorry I'm never going back to your manual programming. This is my life, make or break I am sailing as a captain of my ship. Well you can be the adviser but please get off your hand in my steering wheel.

I had enough I was pulled into depression living her dreams and I would like to stop blaming people for my misfortunes because obviously I am the sole responsible for my life so I've learned the hard way never to let other people on the driver's seat and wheeled your life for in the end they will only tell you "it is your life after all when everything's turn out badly they'll point out that it was all your fault." But when it turns out the other way of course all the praises leads to the greatness of the one-in-charge and they'll claim it to be their brilliant plans. I don't really care for all that public glory, let's just leave that to our trapo and celebs that wanted to establish philanthropic acts in front of cameras. I prefer doing good things when no one is looking.

Now, I am sorry call me a prodigal daughter, a problem-maker, a disobedient child but I am claiming my life and I have my own paths laid out for me please just keep your beaten track in your closet. I don't want to use it, I prefer to create my own. I am not saying that your plans aren't worthwhile but it's just that I am not you but I wouldn't mind taking some advice and constructive criticism. You might always say we look alike and I don't mind that REALLY but I am not your extended self, I am your daughter but I am not your puppet so I wish for you to cut those strings and let me pull my trigger.

I don't argue with the cliche' "mother's know best" but sorry in terms of living my life I know better now after all as I've said it is my life and your kind of happiness, isn't necessarily my kind of happiness. The same way we don't agree with the meaning of worthwhile. And believe me not pushing into my throats your kind of life will save us both from messing each others day. That's a good start for me, to actually straighten up my life and keep you from ruining it...

P.S. Having a million bucks in my bank account but doing what I don't like for the sake of society's recognition and honor is not my definition of success. But if the things that I love to do would bring food to the table, now we're talking and for somehow it will amount to a million bucks, who are you kidding, of course I want that million bucks, who doesn't right?

I'm beginning to think HE is all ears to me. All my major prayers I had from childhood had been fulfilled or at least let's say was granted. I should be happy right? But it is creeping me out especially that I am a weird soul and obviously my mind's wishes aren't always the typical type. You're maybe wondering what I am talking about so I'm glad to fill you in.

(photo credit)

I clearly remember when I was 10, fourth grader then. I had wished to be famous, rich and powerful and people will be watching my life on TV like it was in the Truman Show. I think Truman Show wasn't filmed yet then but the idea was like that. Why? Because I wanted to test myself, my main question was: What would I be when that time comes? Will I act like an airhead and be blinded by all the glitters and use power evilly to my advantage? Would I still be me and will I remain a good person despite that status or will I be eaten by greed?

The answer was: I will remain a good person and stay humble whatever life brings me for richer or poorer, blah, blah and all that stuff you hear on a wedding rituals.

Hm mm, probably you're already thinking and questioning am I a lunatic?. Well, part of me is. Ha ha. But truly this had happened. I've experienced all of these on my schizophrenic episodes. That's why I always think of it as a blessing in disguise. I've got what I had wish for. I just wanted to know that fact and so HE had given me the chance to realize that through a lucid dream while I am wild awake with all my senses into action that I had a choice which way to go. And I thank HIM for that experience, because of that I am no longer one of those people who still spends hours wondering, having what ifs, if they have all of the mundane things in this lifetime and thinking that's all there is to life to achieve fulfillment and real happiness.

In my delusions it was a chaotic world up there. Gossips, discontentment, angst, etc. it was maybe an exaggeration but I know it isn't too far-fetched from reality. But I think my conclusion are valid after all it is our self-perception or how we look at things that makes us who we think we are and how we act in our society. And for that time, I believe I was all three: famous, rich and powerful and my hallucinations given that all my senses are all in for a ride, I was even tactile so all of them are working in making me believe that it was all for real. That's why I keep saying that I have passed that test with flying colors but it doesn't mean I've never committed anything bad during those eps, the worst was committing suicide. Yes, you heard me, not just once but twice (maybe this should be discussed in another post, some other day if I actually have the time and enthusiasm for it)

When I've read "Tell Me Your Dreams" I wanted to know if it was for real and every time I see someone talking to himself downtown in public I always wanted to know what's going on in their minds. I'm that curious and keen observant. A lot of people even from my school use "schizo" as self-description but they didn't know that reality isn't as cute as they like to project. But the experience had given me a lot of advantage and maybe it will even be my inspiration and ticket in writing a good book someday, we'll never know.

I wished my mother will love me because all my life it seems she didn't. I don't want to go through the details because it will probably bores you and I don't want to reminisce all of that again. Some are petty, too petty since I was too young then but some are pretty disturbing that it had given me a conclusion I might be adopted. But then my wish was granted one day during my depression I realized she loves me after all. So much for a blessing in disguise that depression huh? But don't assume we don't argue now and then, it's just our relationship were way better pre-depression stage. But wait, sometimes I still think LOVE isn't the right word, CIVIL is (because she is traditional and she strongly thinks it is every mother's duty to take care of their kids or else what might the society thinks given that she is a teacher) oops, well don't blame me for having such thoughts because I've distinguished those things seeing her LOVE for my late sister and that was LOVE but that kind was blinded so maybe I had the real love treatment then? I really don't know and from this I know I should just seal my lips. I will never understand it I guess unless I become a mother myself.

I've prayed to be a heartthrob... Oh, rephrase it, to be likable, there it is better. I've got few suitors I never really like and the ones that I like seem to look at me in a distant. Mostly they told me I am pretty intimidating... maybe this wish isn't really granted... erase, erase then. Ha ha. To think I've never been good handling suitors, I'm good in turning them off and running (literally) when it starts getting serious or for real. So never mind this wish I don't need admirers, maybe I just need one who will stay for the rest of my freaking life but then I maybe heading to single-blessedness so good luck to both of us, whoever that unlucky guy might be for me.

And then April 13, US time, 14 in Phil. I was secretly hoping for my blog to be picked out of half a hundred sign-ups and almost halfway through the 25 blogs for the day of SITS comment hour and starting to lose hope but wasn't minding it at all since I am enjoying the new community I've found over the net, rummaging through the tweets and figuring out how I can catch up reading all those wonderful blogs, one after another then suddenly I've to blink a few more times than usual for I can't believe I am blog 18. I love the number 18 and that's triple treat already for me. It was my first in comment hour, I got picked and I'm 18. Woohoo! So many blessings to be grateful for in just an hour and of course it means comment love. And there goes my problem.

Honestly, I always say I am not afraid of opinions or being judged but well it isn't that easy when you are actually facing it for real and this will be the first time I've ever actually opened my blog and welcome comments in any of my writings to people. I had shared my diary with my best friends in hs but still it isn't the same letting strangers actually read my stuff. And my blog is somewhat, No, it is very personal. I write my heart and soul in here. My views and opinions, my idiosyncrasies and I am a bit scared and shy of what other bloggers might think of my blog, not ignoring the fact that the blog line-ups for the comment hour are pretty good.Oh my, oh my, these are pretty good experienced bloggers, I was tensed and praying I should have never wished to be picked or let alone join this community but on the other hand I know I've been in a beautiful sisterhood that I should be thankful for rather than feeling like a jerk. I am admitting that there are still a lot of things I need to learn about being truly open for all and I'm taking baby steps to achieve it and yes I am open even for violent reactions... or maybe NOT, just please don't eat me and I don't think you will since I won't taste good and that's for sure but you can kill me, I'm happy to oblige you just make it fast like a snap that way it won't hurt, easy... ha ha

I've always wished to find a little community in the inter-webs, something that will share the same passion that I have writing, blogging, sharing, photography, poetry, food love, fashion, etc. And I am lucky I found SITS and now my membership application had been approved and I'm finally a member of SheWrites. I am a docent too for WikiTravel. Now the problem is how am I able to cope up with all the things I wanted to do and be able to deliver especially in my own critical exaggerated standards? Tough one.

So be careful what you wish... for you might just get it.

I was bored maybe not really but I wanted to do something else rather than sit or stretch-out talking to my laptop and I happened to notice my favorite book decomposing in the little corner of my jungle, yeah I call my room that since it looks like a wild forest anyways. I was sorry to see that the back cover had been rip-out thanks to my sisters who just happened to eyed it for awhile (hmmm, they don't even like to read for pleasure they read things because they need it for school but then I did their papers and projects most of the time so I know for a fact that they haven't read one book from cover to cover) so maybe this book is really interesting that they both have to borrow it and carry it almost everyday for a week I guess, and showing it to their friends.

I'm glad that they love my book and are actually reading for pleasure you don't know how much I wish there's someone in my immediate family who share the same hobbies with me so we can exchange ideas and have time for philosophizing. Don't get me wrong my sisters are intelligent and excel in school (but they have very different interests compare to me) in fact they have way better grades than me (our youngest graduated Cum Laude and my late sis was almost into it missing only a few points) while I can't even get an A because of excessive absences and constantly showing up more than 30 minutes late if ever I am not absent for that day. But that's another story for me to tell maybe one day I'll write about the reasons behind it if I found the mood for it :) Well, I am still proud to say that we were all scholars for all the 4 years we stayed in college except my late sister who chose to drop out of her full scholarship for her 3rd year because she had changed her mind on what to major in (that only her can do, it's impractical and selfish given that my mom is raising us single-handedly and it was the same year when all the 3 of us were in the same University but I envy her because I've been wanting to do that too but was never allowed, sure favoritism runs in the family, you can actually say that but parents for all we know would always deny that fact even with all the evidence.)

My father loves to read newspapers and magazines and that's what we did everyday on his days in the hospital and I got the love for reading through him and his father Lolo Omat had been an inspiration too. He was a typist for the guerrilla during the Japanese time and worked as a notary public. He had a collection of Reader's Digest dated 1962 as far as I could remember and I used to spend my free time reading those when I was 6. After he died I was hoping to keep his Olympia typewriter and his book collections especially the digests but well I got the digests after the typhoon and the house were flooded  and my mom thought they're all garbage even if some of it were still readable and so I wasn't allowed to take them home but I've sneaked and kept some then it was thrown (maybe given away, I'm not sure) later on when we moved to a different town when she had discovered it along with my paintings.

My mother was a little odd, she's a professor and she taught us how to read and require us to read but now that I am all grown-up and I love reading and made it as a hobby I often hear her complain about it and about my spending money on books and yet she's not saying anything about my younger sister's splurge on clothes, and what about her fetish for bags and shoes, isn't it unusual? And yes she doesn't love to read like my 2 siblings. The four of us are opposites when it comes to reading. The 3 of them reads because it is required while I read because I just love reading but I actually love to read things that aren't school related or academic. I love learning but I'm not into studying.

As I was saying, my sisters had borrowed my book without permission but when I saw that they were bringing it to school I didn't say anything I'm fine with it: them reading my books but sure they could have asked first. Anyways, as careless as they were after a week or so I've seen my book dumped in a corner and yes dilapidated... arrgh! At that time I was such a neat-freak, I always take good care of my things especially my books because I wanted them to last but you can't seem to make it possible with untidy and careless people living in the same roof who just like getting things as if they own everything and dumps it whenever they're done with it.

I love this book so much because every time I read it  it makes me smile and it makes me think. It inspires me a lot even up to this day. This is the only book that I've read more than 20 times and I won't get tired reading it over and over and that comes from me who never read a book twice. I used to put this underneath my pillow because it's the first and last thing that I read everyday, it used to be The Bible but well, change of interests had caused it. As it says, enough of truth searching, it's time for a fantasy.


I've found this book in just the right time as it says in its title: I Have Abandoned My Search for Truth, and Am Now Looking for A Good Fantasy. Yes I was actually looking forward for the good things of the future and was done of searching for my truth so good one. (Actually it was my friend Cecile who found this while we were rummaging the pile of books on sale in Master Square (a used to be famous sort of like a mini-mall in our town until the big malls went into business here) and she gave it to me so I bought it for the cheapest price P25.00 and it was the best and most compensated peso I've ever spent. So I wasn't really splurging on books since I'm getting them through book-sale but when I was already working I had a membership with Powerbooks in Greenbelt and yeah, I've been a shopaholic and spent all my money for clothes, shoes and mostly books and women's magazines that my friends had borrowed and well never did returned and that's 2 stupid things again for me, all charge to experience.

I can relate much with the author: Ashleigh Brilliant was from a lower-middle class (just like me) but lives in London and California for the later part of his life. He's a professor and I was (I used to teach in a State College)  and he actually made me realized or put into words why I used to despise my real name.

 "as a child I hated Ashleigh Ellwood for some obscure and sensitive family reason. I was never called by either of these names, except in anger."  --- Ashleigh Brilliant

And I love this author for the most part because he inspires me a lot to think and to write more. I love quotations, idioms, poetry or anything that involves playing of words that's why I was also addicted to scrabble when I was a child. My first few weeks reading this book over and over left my mind running full time there were nights that I have to wake up in wee hours just to write a pot-shot. I've written tons and I've written most of it at twilight with me holding a flashlight so my mother won't notice that I was still up. But sad to say I don't know where were my pot-shots it may have been included on my things my mom burnt along with the trash, tsk,tsk.

Oh, I wasn't able to mention that this isn't some novel book, it is a graphical book sort of like a comic book. It is a collection of epigram and the author called it POT-SHOT. And these are the 2 important rules in composing it:

1. no Pot-shot may exceed 17 words
2. the words and expressions used must be understood as easily as possible, by the widest possible range of people, with no impediment (such as rhyme, puns, or idioms) to translation into other languages  

Here's a few of my favorite pot-shots:

I used to say this when someone touches my hair "you ruin my already ruined hair" coined from this.

Diabetes runs in the history of our family. My grandfather on my father side had been blinded and died because of complications, my father too, as well as his eldest sister and now my mom had acquired it and is now on daily insulin shots so that leaves me to be next in line and the sad part is no matter how you live healthy and do the right stuff it's impossible for me to avoid it since it is both hereditary and can be acquired.

I am still on the philosophy that "If it's your time, then it's your time" no matter where you are, what you do if you need to go, then you need to go anytime, anywhere and there's nothing you can do to stop it. So I still eat what I want and live the way I want it to be in the meantime. It isn't healthy for health buffs but I think it's healthy for my soul however a lot will oppose my view about it especially my mom but I prefer heaving a healthy mind for now my focus is there and exercise is the farthest thing in my mind right now but it's on my list to do but not yet for now.

Even though not my choice but I'm sharing a home with a diabetic so it means we need to live and share lifestyles and it includes being on a same diet most of the time. Well, my mom don't force me to eat anything I don't want and neither force me to do things but it doesn't mean I don't get a consistent nag about not eating healthy, not exercising and all that stuff.

But somehow I like what she cooks so most of the time I'm eating healthy because of it so yes I can say I'm in a diabetic diet somehow and that's good because I don't need to adjust much when I'm already there (still wishing I won't inherit it and hope this way I won't acquire it too.)

She had been planting and growing plants in a vacant lot in our subdivision and in a garden in the school where she's still teaching until now and we call it her mini farm-ville. From time to time we get our fruit supplies from those, she share a few to our neighbors and we keep enough for our consumption, bananas are the largest produce so it's the fruit that we give out the most whenever it's bearing fruits if it's not we buy it in the market...

(Mangoes are from Cebu included in my sister's pasalubong)

I'm glad that she's done with carrot juices and shakes because it taste disgusting. It was fine with apples but then she said apples had a lot of fertilizers so not healthy and it's too sweet. Now I'm glad that she made this shake yesterday...

pure mango-banana-papaya shake no sugar

Still a bit bland taste like hospital food but with banana bits it's pretty tasty already So that's what I learned in time... I just need to figure out little things, modify something or add a few things here and there so it fits my taste buds but for her cooking I'm fine with it no need to adjust anything it's delicious and I'm not saying this because she's my mom because I won't say that even if she is. After all no one can make me eat anything that I don't want. So the stir-fried vegetable with squid that came along with the shake, I've passed, No thank you, the shake will do. Maybe it's delicious but sorry I don't eat squids and this had been my alternative...

We both have this Quantum Flask where you have to put drinking water  (not cold) and it will turn it into alkaline water in seconds and this sure works wonder.

Sizzling Shawarma with 3 cheeses and 2 roti + 7 additional roti

Blowing Candles: This was the little celebration we had for Jay's 27th birthday.

Long lines @ PhilHealth: This is just the first stop :(

On the 2nd and final stop : I'm near next :)

Oh wow, something I would wear in Manila but not here in Bicol. My mom would definitely grab some pants for me to wear with this not that I still have guts to wear this stuff now :(

Marijo with her son. Yup she had 2 sons now but why is it I look more like I had been preggy compare to her? Life's unfair... grrr...

This is a proof that the world isn't built for plus size people like me.  Reality check: it isn't too accommodating  and welcoming yet because plus size means extra everything mostly view it in a negative way and that's sad. :(

That's a pretty fountain with a fish pond.

Pillars at the back: That's something isn't it?

Too bad no one is making this a permanent home now.

Last visit from Dr. Tormes: We are always thankful for taking care of all of us whenever  we need help.

A visit from Ma'am Bel and her husband. (She's responsible for my free food pickled things, kakanin, home-made sardines, etc. and I asked permission to post this photo here though she was surprised how I was able to get it without them knowing it)

They brought this but they never mentioned it. I just realized that it's there when we were already packing our things. Thank you for your kindness and thoughtfulness as always. Rushed things so we can get out of this money-sucking institution...

Some more medicines... it's cheaper to buy it outside the hospital.

 

Got mom's goto in Bigg's and my tofu and buchi from Chowking  so off to the next stop...

Withdraw some in an ATM for hospital bills

San Francisco Church at night just across the side of Metrobank

Checking if her car is still in the parking lot... tsk.tsk.

Dinner's done: wheel chair please.

Zoom we go...

Yey... we're out of here! Folks we paid the bills we didn't get out through the fire exit.