Speckles n Spectrum

Hey, Pa. If I had a baby that year s/he will be 12 years old by now and probably graduating from elementary, might have been something to celebrate right? But no we're not that kind of teens in spite of not growing up with a complete family because you have to leave before we even get to truly understand the meaning of "life."

Life has been pretty tough since. It was a rocky road and I wish it was delicious as an ice cream haha but it wasn't. So you might ask what's up? Hmmm, nothing much. I'm still that kid who learned the word stubborn when I was in Grade 2 because it was written in red ink at the back of my report card. Sweet right? Haha

I still miss those days because you were the only one who can actually laugh with me and my mistakes. I can break things and take it as if it was nothing making me feel I'm more important than that piece of glassware. (I still have that scar in one of my fingers that reminds me how you've offered to continue washing the dishes after I was wounded by a broken glass.)

I'm not saying good things about you because you're already gone. You know I'm not that kind of person. I won't lie just because you're already dead. I'm not into a game of impressing the living so why would I do things to please the departed? Silly right?

We had bad times too. In fact I clearly remember that you rarely get angry. It was a once a year event at most and I'm the lucky one who always get to celebrate it with a few strokes of real leather belt on my behind. And we know if you're pissed when we hear the keyword "sinvergüenza" followed by few bicol curses. 

We even argue once because of that shirt you're wearing in this photo. I was 10 years old and growing to be boyish and starting to lend your shirts. I argue that it has pink on it so girls can wear it too. I won and I'm pretty sure not because you bought my argument  =)

But you know all of that and perhaps everything about us since probably you're up there watching us make a damn mess in this world. So really what's up with me finally writing about this dreaded topic? It's been years and you know what I guess I am finally free. I'm even surprise because this year it feels so good to be true.

Last year I wasn't able to think about it because we were all busy with the souvenir shop/cofitti and resto. I guess that's my gift from Virgen de Peñafrancia on her tercentenary year: peace of mind. I've been busy dealing with other stuff that I skipped the melancholy brought by September in 2010. I didn't have time to sit and day dream with a misty eye while listening to that Luther Vandross' song.

Quite the same thing happened this June on your death anniversary. I got busy with stuff and the next thing I knew I slept through the whole day. Then here's your birthday you're 57 by now, old man... haha

And you know what Pa? It's amazing to still be here after years of losing you and realizing that for this year it's going to be different from the rest for I finally let go. I no longer pray the same stuff. My litanies aren't wishful thinking and my day dreams are no longer the old what ifs. Finally I'm living in the present tense. I won't lie, I still cry when I think about you and I can't promise to keep my eyes dry whenever you pop in my head but it's now tears of joy, of remembering, and reliving the memories.

I can't still see the bigger picture of His decision of claiming you too early but I'm more optimistic and open to the idea that whatever His reasons might be something for the better.

But hey, stop right there. Do you all really think I'm that super duper mega stubborn that I needed to get through all these initiations to get pass life on earth? As if I wanted to go to your so called heaven haha

Life is a freak but well, sorry life for I am freakier than you. Gotcha!

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I got this song we loved to listen to during my grade school years. Sorry I lost the cassette tape I don't know why of all tapes Matt Monro's album is missing while Vina Morales and the Cha-Cha tapes are still here, shame.

I guess this song speaks a lot about you and the things that remind me of you. These are the stuff that made up my ideals too. Thanks for everything and sorry I'm not the type to make promises for I think promises are made to be broken and I'm forgetful and fickle which makes it more difficult. But I know for sure that's fine with you because you've always been very accepting of who we are.

So long Pa, I'm just here being myself. I know that's good enough. I don't need fireworks or anything to make you appreciate the rest of me. You've been with us for only a short span but you were able to give us what some people might take more than a lifetime to accomplish. You're not the teacher yet you've given us the most wonderful lessons without being aware that you did. You don't impose or force, you gave us freewill and had always asked, "Ano ang gusto mo nene?" You made us feel what love truly is, we don't need to sacrifice anything to earn it because you've given it for free and unconditionally.

Ma said you're the sosy type, you're spoiled and your hands were too soft for a man which in layman's term "lazy." (I do get the same comments about my hands (which I think is too shallow for people to conclude laziness by just basing on the softness of your hands because I too do household chores for am closer to being poor than being a princess) but I'd like to ask: Is loving household chores the sole basis of being industrious? If it was my, why did I wasted my time going to school if everyone just wanted us to perfect dish washing and doing the laundry? Ha ha, sorry stupid thoughts again. Well, I went to school so I can find something to do that doesn't involve scrubbing the tiles all the time. Though I wouldn't mind doing it once a year haha)

Seriously, I don't care I'm not blind and I know of course that every person has their negative traits but yours simply drowned in the long list of distinctive good things:

• you're the most down to earth person I've known
• you give the last of your centavo even to strangers who knock even on the wee hours
• you're a friend to all that even little kids admire you
• you're loyal and faithful that even if girls drool you simply tease your way out
• you're the easiest to please for your joys were of simple things

 and there's quite a list but I'm going to cut it here before you yell out your magic word =)

What a lovely present for easter though late for a day ☺

About 10:00 am Monday of April 25, a day after Easter my mom got this fellow in our bathroom.

We didn't know how since we have screens and there's no way to get in the house but it did get in. And I thought maybe this is a gift straight from heaven for since we were kids we always wanted a pet and Papa had bought us twice little colorful birdie but our neighbors' cat had eaten them both the first night we had them. Thus we never had any birds after that but I was still wishing I can have one even today but well, not really too eager. It's like when it will come then it will come and that Monday was that day for me to have that wish granted. Thank God for that.

And we got this fellow a cute cage... uhm rather unique don't you think birdie? Well it is accompanied by a nice view too. I just hope this fellow thinks that too.

But we had a proof that she'd been in that electric fan for a while.

I know this one looks scary even scary in real than photos.

Thank God she's still alive.

Strange that the feed container is properly erected again but no one had moved it.

(photo credit)

I've known the story and become a believer ever since but my faith was put to a test.
I realized I am a weakling; a Judas at large and a Peter in disguise. The moment I’ve met my trials and failed it I pointed fingers on you. Accusing you of abandoning me like how the owner of the footprints had indicted to you. Like them I had walked with you and promised to join you in your journey come rain or shine but what have I done? In a sudden twist of fate I flicker like a wave to the safest shore at sight. Guess what? Yes, I was safe but not save. I have kissed you goodbye in the loudest crow of the rooster in my life and it blew me out.
History repeats itself… yes and no. I’ve learned my lessons, besides I know for a fact that the prints had faded away to kiss the heavens now.

It's Holy Week and I don't know but "Banal na Aso, Santong Kabayo" is always the first song that comes to mind. From what's happening nowadays it seems this is the perfect theme song for Lenten Season.

(photo credit)

Do you also weep when somebody die

Or you just don’t cry?

Do you whip your children when they do you wrong

Or you love them even more?

Do you also pray

Or you just don’t need any?

If you do,

Then to whom?

Do you have any angst

Or you don’t own a heart?

Do you mingle with your family

Or you’re restricted to feel intimacy?

Have you ever mess up a plan

Or you’re too perfect to commit one?

Do you scream and jump when excited

Or you’re too refine to act childish?

Are you irritated that I ask too much

Or glad that I’m interested to know your life?

I haven’t seen your face

Never hear you speak

Clueless of your scent

Senseless on how you feel.

I was blinded once

Deaf with the noise

Stinky for awhile

Numb with the pain.

I swell my eyes

Shut my ears

Drown my nose

Dull my senses.

I’ve seen your light

Listened to your lullaby

Breathe your fragrance

Touch by your heart.

Your goodness is more than enough for my plea

Your voice resides in me

My future with you smells lovely

It feels good to love you from here on to infinity.

(photo credit)