Speckles n Spectrum

back to basics seemingly-banal adventures of an eclectic modern muser...

"Learning from the Past, Hopes for the Future, and a Life's Journey of making the most of what's at hand."

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I just joked about wishing for my quick death in my last post (Be Careful What You Wish...) and at the strike of midnight signaling the next day someone had what I'm wishing for what to be like my death and that someone is a bit popular, young and promising. Obviously everyone felt it was too early and what with all the talent and future endeavors and stardom waiting for this kid went all wasted just like that in a snap.

But who are we to question who's above all of us. We don't know all HIS mighty plans laid out for each one of us. But I won't be coy that I felt blaming HIM when the same had happened to two of my family members. Yes, TWO and the first loss was the hardest to accept. It was the only time I got angry to HIM. I felt betrayed for I've been serving HIM for all I can remember in my little way since I was a kid and I thought we're friends. I only have two best friends at that time. One He denied me of spending my life for the rest of my life and the other one who made it possible. So it means I lost both two just like that in a snap.

Then came second death in the family it came along with a two-week notice, 3 hospitals and boom! She was 21 years old, just graduated a year before this ending and had been working in her second government company. Everything was fine until one night she went home with blood gushing from her nose and then from her gums and we all went panicky and rush to emergency and the rest was history just like that in a snap.

And I'm still here. Honestly I've been wishing for that NO joke, I am ready for that. People might think I am morbid but I am not. I don't have much interest talking about DEATH. But when people will ask me about it I wouldn't further discuss but you'll get an answer "YES, I am always ready for it, whenever, wherever regardless of what I am doing (hmmm, on second thoughts PLEASE not when I'm in the bathroom☺), happy or sad even if it would mean right NOW. Sure I don't think I really have to finish this blog post, YES I am ready just like that in a snap.

Morbidity aside (but I am not morbid, right?) maybe the reason of all this is because I wanted a shortcut, everyone seems to be heading that way anyways so why not be there first while I'm still sane and sound. And I confess I'm a bit selfish when it comes to this. I don't want to be left out. I'm tired of crying after everyone who's leaving. By wishing to be first I am kind for I know I'm causing more harm than good with people I am with and leaving them will set them free from burden and I know they'll feel more blessed than grieve without me and I like that, I mean I don't want anyone to cry for me. I wanted everything easy and I hate drama. (I'm serious.) Well, I am not saying I am not happy with my life now, sure it isn't perfect but it isn't that worst either but I am just too settled on going to the next direction that's why I'm kinda hurrying it up. I'm wondering why it seems this wish is too hard for HIM to grant, what's with that huh? I actually had a wishlist for that big day written when I was in high school. (Darn, this had been long overdue. Ha ha)

People may say because you still have work to do in this lifetime. I believe that so but nevertheless I wanted to be up there. To be honest (Haven't I been honest for all the entries in this blog, that I have to consistently use the word HONEST for emphasis?) I live life one day at a time. I don't have long term goals now (I know eyebrows will raise) but I am practical as well. (I don't know how you will handle too much contradictories in my life but yes it is possible.) I've incorporated Buddhist core teachings in my life thus I've learned to live without drowning in wants and desires. But I do have a wishlist, a mixture of material things and immaterial things that I can count using just my hands fingers. All of those are all up to me but this SNAP thing I don't think I can decide for that. I've tried twice but without HIS blessings I only commit sins and ruin myself becoming more unworthy to be in HIS place so I will just leave all of that to HIM but I still wish just like that in a snap.


 I would rather live my life believing there is a God and die to find out there isn't than live my life believing there isn't a God and die to find out there is. 
- Unknown



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