Speckles n Spectrum

I'm beginning to think HE is all ears to me. All my major prayers I had from childhood had been fulfilled or at least let's say was granted. I should be happy right? But it is creeping me out especially that I am a weird soul and obviously my mind's wishes aren't always the typical type. You're maybe wondering what I am talking about so I'm glad to fill you in.

(photo credit)

I clearly remember when I was 10, fourth grader then. I had wished to be famous, rich and powerful and people will be watching my life on TV like it was in the Truman Show. I think Truman Show wasn't filmed yet then but the idea was like that. Why? Because I wanted to test myself, my main question was: What would I be when that time comes? Will I act like an airhead and be blinded by all the glitters and use power evilly to my advantage? Would I still be me and will I remain a good person despite that status or will I be eaten by greed?

The answer was: I will remain a good person and stay humble whatever life brings me for richer or poorer, blah, blah and all that stuff you hear on a wedding rituals.

Hm mm, probably you're already thinking and questioning am I a lunatic?. Well, part of me is. Ha ha. But truly this had happened. I've experienced all of these on my schizophrenic episodes. That's why I always think of it as a blessing in disguise. I've got what I had wish for. I just wanted to know that fact and so HE had given me the chance to realize that through a lucid dream while I am wild awake with all my senses into action that I had a choice which way to go. And I thank HIM for that experience, because of that I am no longer one of those people who still spends hours wondering, having what ifs, if they have all of the mundane things in this lifetime and thinking that's all there is to life to achieve fulfillment and real happiness.

In my delusions it was a chaotic world up there. Gossips, discontentment, angst, etc. it was maybe an exaggeration but I know it isn't too far-fetched from reality. But I think my conclusion are valid after all it is our self-perception or how we look at things that makes us who we think we are and how we act in our society. And for that time, I believe I was all three: famous, rich and powerful and my hallucinations given that all my senses are all in for a ride, I was even tactile so all of them are working in making me believe that it was all for real. That's why I keep saying that I have passed that test with flying colors but it doesn't mean I've never committed anything bad during those eps, the worst was committing suicide. Yes, you heard me, not just once but twice (maybe this should be discussed in another post, some other day if I actually have the time and enthusiasm for it)

When I've read "Tell Me Your Dreams" I wanted to know if it was for real and every time I see someone talking to himself downtown in public I always wanted to know what's going on in their minds. I'm that curious and keen observant. A lot of people even from my school use "schizo" as self-description but they didn't know that reality isn't as cute as they like to project. But the experience had given me a lot of advantage and maybe it will even be my inspiration and ticket in writing a good book someday, we'll never know.

I wished my mother will love me because all my life it seems she didn't. I don't want to go through the details because it will probably bores you and I don't want to reminisce all of that again. Some are petty, too petty since I was too young then but some are pretty disturbing that it had given me a conclusion I might be adopted. But then my wish was granted one day during my depression I realized she loves me after all. So much for a blessing in disguise that depression huh? But don't assume we don't argue now and then, it's just our relationship were way better pre-depression stage. But wait, sometimes I still think LOVE isn't the right word, CIVIL is (because she is traditional and she strongly thinks it is every mother's duty to take care of their kids or else what might the society thinks given that she is a teacher) oops, well don't blame me for having such thoughts because I've distinguished those things seeing her LOVE for my late sister and that was LOVE but that kind was blinded so maybe I had the real love treatment then? I really don't know and from this I know I should just seal my lips. I will never understand it I guess unless I become a mother myself.

I've prayed to be a heartthrob... Oh, rephrase it, to be likable, there it is better. I've got few suitors I never really like and the ones that I like seem to look at me in a distant. Mostly they told me I am pretty intimidating... maybe this wish isn't really granted... erase, erase then. Ha ha. To think I've never been good handling suitors, I'm good in turning them off and running (literally) when it starts getting serious or for real. So never mind this wish I don't need admirers, maybe I just need one who will stay for the rest of my freaking life but then I maybe heading to single-blessedness so good luck to both of us, whoever that unlucky guy might be for me.

And then April 13, US time, 14 in Phil. I was secretly hoping for my blog to be picked out of half a hundred sign-ups and almost halfway through the 25 blogs for the day of SITS comment hour and starting to lose hope but wasn't minding it at all since I am enjoying the new community I've found over the net, rummaging through the tweets and figuring out how I can catch up reading all those wonderful blogs, one after another then suddenly I've to blink a few more times than usual for I can't believe I am blog 18. I love the number 18 and that's triple treat already for me. It was my first in comment hour, I got picked and I'm 18. Woohoo! So many blessings to be grateful for in just an hour and of course it means comment love. And there goes my problem.

Honestly, I always say I am not afraid of opinions or being judged but well it isn't that easy when you are actually facing it for real and this will be the first time I've ever actually opened my blog and welcome comments in any of my writings to people. I had shared my diary with my best friends in hs but still it isn't the same letting strangers actually read my stuff. And my blog is somewhat, No, it is very personal. I write my heart and soul in here. My views and opinions, my idiosyncrasies and I am a bit scared and shy of what other bloggers might think of my blog, not ignoring the fact that the blog line-ups for the comment hour are pretty good.Oh my, oh my, these are pretty good experienced bloggers, I was tensed and praying I should have never wished to be picked or let alone join this community but on the other hand I know I've been in a beautiful sisterhood that I should be thankful for rather than feeling like a jerk. I am admitting that there are still a lot of things I need to learn about being truly open for all and I'm taking baby steps to achieve it and yes I am open even for violent reactions... or maybe NOT, just please don't eat me and I don't think you will since I won't taste good and that's for sure but you can kill me, I'm happy to oblige you just make it fast like a snap that way it won't hurt, easy... ha ha

I've always wished to find a little community in the inter-webs, something that will share the same passion that I have writing, blogging, sharing, photography, poetry, food love, fashion, etc. And I am lucky I found SITS and now my membership application had been approved and I'm finally a member of SheWrites. I am a docent too for WikiTravel. Now the problem is how am I able to cope up with all the things I wanted to do and be able to deliver especially in my own critical exaggerated standards? Tough one.

So be careful what you wish... for you might just get it.