Speckles n Spectrum

Do you believe in mystical things, fairies, elves, witches or even ghosts? I've been a skeptic all my life but this recent years, a year ago to be exact had me shaken and question all things normal or paranormal. I've experienced supernatural things since I was a kid but since it all seems like a dream more so a nightmare I just disregarded it and treat it like it never really happened. Same with how I treat love... just a dream for the hopeless romantic me.

Don't get me wrong. I don't have bad experiences with my relationships if I did the worst is dealing with an insecure boyfriend who always try to question if he is worthy of my love towards him. It seems that I'm the one who always call it quits when things don't go as I want it to be: a typical Virgo, I guess. 

2020 was the year of Covid-19, yes the pandemic that is still affecting us up to this date Tuesday, March 16, 2021 and who knows until when it will subside. It was also the year that awakened me into the realm of spirituality. I was bored and I started vlogging without any idea what I'm doing I asked my friend to recommend a vlogger with the same niche as mine so I can improve how I vlog.

The first time I watched his vlog I felt that sudden calmness and at the same time he inspires my artistic side. I wanted to create more and more vlogs. The more I watch the more I discover our similarities which is cute at the start but became unnerving at the latter part. Every time I post there goes his answers through his stories and videos. Bit by bit it seems like everything was connected. I tried to get the truth but he left me in his unread box. It's frustrating that the only person who can answer all the questions and doubts you have is ignoring you but not really. He has his own way of replying to my questions, dang!

In my despair looking for answers I started researching and I ended up with the word: TWINFLAME. According to how I understand this, Twinflames are two people coming from one soul that had been split from lifetimes of past life. It's like a hardcore version of soulmates. I don't even believe in past life, soulmates or reincarnation, my ghad. 

According to Savvas, “A twin flame is your own soul, shared across what appears to be two physical beings. It's one soul split into two bodies.” Digging a little deeper, Savvas once wrote of twin flames: “When a soul is created, it is split into two parts, mirrors of each other, constantly yearning to reconnect.”

They said Twinflames have a greater purpose in the universe and it will only come true once they unite. Is it like Voltes 5? Let's volt in? Kidding aside I'm pretty sure he knows about it. Maybe he is teaching me a lesson or maybe not?

There are days I doubt my sanity because I can talk to him in my mind. Psychics call it telepathy or 5D. I still call it insanity. 

Twinflame...

My things getting moved or broken, I don't know if I still have to be afraid since I'm with a twin spirit or maybe a ghost? 

Twinflame...

How can you explain when you are just trying to lit up one range but two gas ranges do once in a while? 

Twinflame...

I can smell, feel and sense him. 

The hugs and kisses. The intimacy.

Twinflame...

But wait, is this even real? Amidst all of the proofs I remain skeptical. I'm a Virgo after all. I based things from facts, evidence and hard truths. I need the answer of that dude so I can confirm this craziness I'm going through. There are days it is so hard to pull off because it seems like there is a force field pulling me back to him. How can I forget when every time I look at the mirror I see his face, those eyes staring back at me, haunting and capturing? Why do I have a feeling he knew me already before I even knew him? My intuition is good but because of this guy I'm starting to doubt everything but despite the doubts I don't know why I can sense that he is a good guy. I hope one day he will have the courage to tell me things I needed confirmation. For now, I felt I'm being watched 24/7 or maybe I'm just paranoid. All the tarot readings I've been watching just left me frustrated. 

What I need are answers to my questions, the truth and nothing but the truth, that's all about it so help me God.

A new me, a new approach to things. I tell you I'm into extreme sports. I love to physically dive in but I ain't into jumping off the cliff to a body of water cuz that's irritatingly uncomfortable for water gets into my nose but hey I'm not here to talk about cliff or water diving or anything like that. I'll spill some beans about a thing I dreaded the most so buckle up, hush for a while and let's fall into deep.

I know I can be considered by many as the most eccentric person they know at this time and I'm claiming it and make it more profound for y'all. With all my online activities: vlogging, blogging and all sorts of stuff it may not be too obvious but I'm way too private. I choose what I share and let people know about me and it's too prominent when it comes to matters of the heart so unlike any other girls I'm not fond of a romantic interest who profess their feelings out in the open for all the world to see, that kinda thing makes me cringe in a really uncomfortable sort of way. I'm low-key when it comes to my lovelife... hmmm I guess until I'm pretty sure if it is for real but until then you won't hear anything from me confirming it but this time as I said let's take a different approach in dealing with this trickery.

TBH up to this moment I'm still pretty much confused about this but I wanna clear all the clutter in my mind that's why I'm writing this down. Hell I care if this is just all in my head or there is truth into this either way I'm good. The day I've known the existence of this guy I noticed instantly our similarities then just shrugged it off cuz it might have been just a big coincidence but as the days go by the coincidences became unnervingly getting too awkward and it's starting to be someone who's really familiar that I've known devil-may-care I don't really freakin' know when, how or why? My head says something while my pride and ego have a different opinion so thus my heart and there goes my intuition. It's mind-cracking. I feel like I've been living in a different world all along so I was curious and I wanted to know more. I started researching and got the word: "twin flame."

We've all heard the term “soul mate,” but what about “twin flame”? ... The general theory re: twin flames is two people who were split into different bodies but share the same soul. Twin flames make soul mates look and feel totally disposable in comparison, since they're like soul mates on crack.                                                                 Source: Cosmopolitan.com

Twin flame does not necessarily mean you are supposed to be lovers that's why I'm getting confused cuz we are so drawn to each other and I'm thinking maybe he's just confused as well about that. He may not love me or I may not love him... it might just be that strong soul connection that's making us think that we are in love in some sort. Idk maybe it's just me assuming things. Yes, I'm shamelessly putting this in black and white, not my style but gotta try a different route everytime you'll never know which one will work or not, yeah?

We never really talk which is making me furious and overthink a lot. I'm too straightforward. I like to deal with things head on and I just don't frakkin know why this guy can't simply reply to my questions like WTF! I need answers and he's kinda replying through his stories and vlogs which I'm not even sure if those are merely coincidences or his truths for me. This sends me in a dilemma: if it's just coincidences then I'm one assuming bitch but what if those are our truths cuz that's a whole lot of coincidences out there that your freakin intuition and even how logical you are, your freakin brain just gave up and says that's not just coincidences. Obviously my normal self would like to protest but all bets are down fighting with all these evidence at hand is futile. I can lie probably and convince myself to ignore everything and pretend nothing is really going on which I'm still doing for most part of my day.

I'm an overthinker and I do overthink a lot about this lately. His friend sort of joke that he might be trying out my patience until I snap or maybe he's waiting for me to do just what I'm doing right now: be as blatant about it in the online world like what he is doing. Well, I still need my answers and the truth from this freak.

Another theory is that he's just romanticizing this connection to make it seem interesting for people to witness but I think that's way too low for him to even think about doing it because of that petty reason. I don't think this is true #justsaying but I'm rubbing it in to get even just a little bit (pun intended).

How do you handle a fineapple?

In fairness to the guy he really did put a lot of effort in making me see things and how we are in a different perspective. Most of the time I no longer want to see what he's up to cuz it's creeping me out in a good way. I don't even know if he did a thorough research about me, we are just really way too similar, those are just coincidences or everything is just up for show. Idk anymore but puhleez enlighten me, gago!

One more thing this is really bugging me: How come your vlog gets to premier the exact time I get online and that's almost everytime, is that a freakin' coincidence or you are just way too psychic or I'm just way too paranoid? Damn, gotta go I just need to kill myself this is humiliating.

*** pride left the room.
*** ego just landed.
*** soul wanted to stay in limbo for good.
*** that whacko brain is still wandering.
*** that freakin heart just took a leap of faith.

This isn't me said my alter ego.

I'm just hopeless not really romantic.

Wine pls. so I can whine properly.

Sigh.

101 Truths About Me: #8 I'm a hopeless romantic.

It may never show but I am a hopeless romantic ever since. I enjoy sappy movies, crappy love songs sometimes but never much in the open or out loud.

All my life, my heart has yearned for a thing I cannot name. --- Andre Breton

I don't know but my outer shell screams punk and rock but my inner core is a soft marshmallow swelling up for petty romantic stuff.

Maybe it's because I never really had a real boyfriend in a sense that all my bfs are net bfs. I also always joke about love stuff being eww but deep inside I've been longing for Mr. Right, for that one soulmate who will lend his ears and heart even for a while to comfort me and eases my hollow soul.

This is the only time I'll ever admit it there are times when I glance around and see couples and I felt envious and kept wondering for my other half too, my special someone. Maybe I've been way to good of a pretender, pretending I didn't need anybody, pretending I'm tough enough to survive all these mess alone in my lifetime. But today I'm brave enough to face reality. I'm just a girl wanting to be loved, waiting to be loved. I am still a feminist, boyish and all that but I have that side and it's claiming its rightful place in my soul, my mind, and my body. On top of my lungs I wanted to scream and let that little girl inside me out, that little girl who always wanted to be pampered. That little girl who's always been a princess but never wanted to be a damsel in distress.

Life is such a mystery sometimes a misery and sometimes a magical fantasy-reality. One day I'll hope to meet my prince not riding a mighty chariot but just merely smiling at the sight of my pretty face wanting to love me without the expectations of a masterpiece, wanting to share his life with me without pretenses, wanting to breath the same air with me, share the laughter and the tears of living, the joy of love and the grace of God.

Someday, for now I'll just let it be praying that destiny, fate, faith, love and all that will do magic to fulfill my very own fairytale.

A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge.  --- Thomas Carlyle

Hey, Pa. If I had a baby that year s/he will be 12 years old by now and probably graduating from elementary, might have been something to celebrate right? But no we're not that kind of teens in spite of not growing up with a complete family because you have to leave before we even get to truly understand the meaning of "life."

Life has been pretty tough since. It was a rocky road and I wish it was delicious as an ice cream haha but it wasn't. So you might ask what's up? Hmmm, nothing much. I'm still that kid who learned the word stubborn when I was in Grade 2 because it was written in red ink at the back of my report card. Sweet right? Haha

I still miss those days because you were the only one who can actually laugh with me and my mistakes. I can break things and take it as if it was nothing making me feel I'm more important than that piece of glassware. (I still have that scar in one of my fingers that reminds me how you've offered to continue washing the dishes after I was wounded by a broken glass.)

I'm not saying good things about you because you're already gone. You know I'm not that kind of person. I won't lie just because you're already dead. I'm not into a game of impressing the living so why would I do things to please the departed? Silly right?

We had bad times too. In fact I clearly remember that you rarely get angry. It was a once a year event at most and I'm the lucky one who always get to celebrate it with a few strokes of real leather belt on my behind. And we know if you're pissed when we hear the keyword "sinvergüenza" followed by few bicol curses. 

We even argue once because of that shirt you're wearing in this photo. I was 10 years old and growing to be boyish and starting to lend your shirts. I argue that it has pink on it so girls can wear it too. I won and I'm pretty sure not because you bought my argument  =)

But you know all of that and perhaps everything about us since probably you're up there watching us make a damn mess in this world. So really what's up with me finally writing about this dreaded topic? It's been years and you know what I guess I am finally free. I'm even surprise because this year it feels so good to be true.

Last year I wasn't able to think about it because we were all busy with the souvenir shop/cofitti and resto. I guess that's my gift from Virgen de Peñafrancia on her tercentenary year: peace of mind. I've been busy dealing with other stuff that I skipped the melancholy brought by September in 2010. I didn't have time to sit and day dream with a misty eye while listening to that Luther Vandross' song.

Quite the same thing happened this June on your death anniversary. I got busy with stuff and the next thing I knew I slept through the whole day. Then here's your birthday you're 57 by now, old man... haha

And you know what Pa? It's amazing to still be here after years of losing you and realizing that for this year it's going to be different from the rest for I finally let go. I no longer pray the same stuff. My litanies aren't wishful thinking and my day dreams are no longer the old what ifs. Finally I'm living in the present tense. I won't lie, I still cry when I think about you and I can't promise to keep my eyes dry whenever you pop in my head but it's now tears of joy, of remembering, and reliving the memories.

I can't still see the bigger picture of His decision of claiming you too early but I'm more optimistic and open to the idea that whatever His reasons might be something for the better.

But hey, stop right there. Do you all really think I'm that super duper mega stubborn that I needed to get through all these initiations to get pass life on earth? As if I wanted to go to your so called heaven haha

Life is a freak but well, sorry life for I am freakier than you. Gotcha!

-------------------------

I got this song we loved to listen to during my grade school years. Sorry I lost the cassette tape I don't know why of all tapes Matt Monro's album is missing while Vina Morales and the Cha-Cha tapes are still here, shame.

I guess this song speaks a lot about you and the things that remind me of you. These are the stuff that made up my ideals too. Thanks for everything and sorry I'm not the type to make promises for I think promises are made to be broken and I'm forgetful and fickle which makes it more difficult. But I know for sure that's fine with you because you've always been very accepting of who we are.

So long Pa, I'm just here being myself. I know that's good enough. I don't need fireworks or anything to make you appreciate the rest of me. You've been with us for only a short span but you were able to give us what some people might take more than a lifetime to accomplish. You're not the teacher yet you've given us the most wonderful lessons without being aware that you did. You don't impose or force, you gave us freewill and had always asked, "Ano ang gusto mo nene?" You made us feel what love truly is, we don't need to sacrifice anything to earn it because you've given it for free and unconditionally.

Ma said you're the sosy type, you're spoiled and your hands were too soft for a man which in layman's term "lazy." (I do get the same comments about my hands (which I think is too shallow for people to conclude laziness by just basing on the softness of your hands because I too do household chores for am closer to being poor than being a princess) but I'd like to ask: Is loving household chores the sole basis of being industrious? If it was my, why did I wasted my time going to school if everyone just wanted us to perfect dish washing and doing the laundry? Ha ha, sorry stupid thoughts again. Well, I went to school so I can find something to do that doesn't involve scrubbing the tiles all the time. Though I wouldn't mind doing it once a year haha)

Seriously, I don't care I'm not blind and I know of course that every person has their negative traits but yours simply drowned in the long list of distinctive good things:

• you're the most down to earth person I've known
• you give the last of your centavo even to strangers who knock even on the wee hours
• you're a friend to all that even little kids admire you
• you're loyal and faithful that even if girls drool you simply tease your way out
• you're the easiest to please for your joys were of simple things

 and there's quite a list but I'm going to cut it here before you yell out your magic word =)

I'm sick, lurv sick that is. You know those rare days that I get this virus. My friend has contaminated me with this disease after posting a sort of luv letter or regretful stat on fb. But then to be honest I've been feeling this for a while now, at least for a week I think.

The day I've worn my fave purple dress (thank God it still fits, surprisingly it stretch out). These past few days I'm feeling romantic for no one in particular. I actually got those days as I said rarely maybe once a year but for now it's been too long. My gawd one week almost and I'm writing this way now haha, figured it's really not fitting for me to feel that way. I am ruining my hardcore persona, duh!

I seldom write about romantic love and cheesiness. I'm not a guru in the subject, in fact this is my waterloo. I know how to love but I think I've never experienced it the real way. I'm kinda more difficult to deal with when it comes to romantic love rather than being all out for family and friends. I'm more always on guard and defensive about this. I had boyfriends and I never talk about it. I'm not kiss and tell. I got flings and maybe I consider them all flings... tadaa... boom! Yeah, a romantic confession, darn hope no one gets to read this but then if you happened to please let me know how airhead I am OH-kay?

I can just imagine right now the face of my sister when we were on skype video chatting with a friend I met from the dating site.

He asked me "How many partners you had?"

My sister said straight away, "She never had a boyfriend."

And I answered the question addressing both of them, "I can still count using a single hand."

She never said anything about it but by the looked on her face I knew her thoughts are between "you're bluffing, right?" or she wanted to ask, "really, ate nagkaboyfriend ka na?"

Haha... I can't help but smile thinking about the way she reacted.

That's why I always say I am secretive, very secretive but not anymore. I'm learning to let it out especially the romantic things. I hope I learn and get the feel that there's nothing to be ashamed of being in love.

Why is it I felt that way about it in the first place? Don't ask, I guess I got that bad idea while growing up. Now I know being a flirt isn't a mortal sin, it's part of life, it's part of nature, it's like the way how the butterflies flirt with the flowers for pollen grains but still I've a long way to learn the art of flirting and still knowing me I won't even bother to learn.

That's why good luck to the so called luv life and hope in my few hazy dazy romantic fool episodes I'll meet the one who'll sing this for me...

Today I am grateful for having a family. It's not perfect for nothing is perfect. There's cat fight once awhile, arguments, and conflicts but that's life and we're still here, surviving and still intact midst the trials.

I'd like to excuse myself for not taking much time about the title of this post. Well, it was father's day and Rizal's bday and Naga City chartered anniv, that's triple treat but on a personal note we only have two celebrations: Father's day and my cousin's bday.

I just came up with Double Trouble but it's a celebration albeit a fun one... haha I'm not making sense I know but well to enjoy life you don't really need everything to make sense.

June 19's manoy's 28th bday. He's just one year older than me. We all grew up very close exchanging summers in our homes and celebrating almost every occasion together. Looking back he's the first one to mature and to this day he's still the most spiritual. He gave me the guidance and care I needed during my down days.

He even had this offering just for his birthday.

The food's great especially the salad and grilled liempo, we had little nice family chitchats and Judge Caring join us in this celebration with few friends and videoke of course.

Life is good, indeed.

I'm slacking in this post...
                too happy to think straight and make sense...
                                                                            let's just chill =)

What a lovely present for easter though late for a day ☺

About 10:00 am Monday of April 25, a day after Easter my mom got this fellow in our bathroom.

We didn't know how since we have screens and there's no way to get in the house but it did get in. And I thought maybe this is a gift straight from heaven for since we were kids we always wanted a pet and Papa had bought us twice little colorful birdie but our neighbors' cat had eaten them both the first night we had them. Thus we never had any birds after that but I was still wishing I can have one even today but well, not really too eager. It's like when it will come then it will come and that Monday was that day for me to have that wish granted. Thank God for that.

And we got this fellow a cute cage... uhm rather unique don't you think birdie? Well it is accompanied by a nice view too. I just hope this fellow thinks that too.

But we had a proof that she'd been in that electric fan for a while.

I know this one looks scary even scary in real than photos.

Thank God she's still alive.

Strange that the feed container is properly erected again but no one had moved it.

I'm actually having a downtime right now, it started last night. I don't know I thought I am tougher now and prepared for stuff like this but I was all so wrong. I'm still too weak dealing with emotional blackmail and it bothers me a lot especially coming from someone very important.

"Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands." ~ Anne Frank ~ (photo credit)

101 Truths About Me: #5 The word "HATE" is a very special word for me for when I say it in a serious manner I truly meant it but it is a darn give away that beyond the word is the very opposite.

Well, you see I guard my heart (maybe it's wrong to be that secure but with my experience I really need to do it or else I'll end up broken or worse in an asylum). I really don't mind the broken part as I am accustomed to that but the latter is what I fear the most. Kindness, sympathy and empathy are my worst traits. Nice to have but fatal to emotional stability. Consider it a gift and curse at the same time, it brings you joy the way it hurts you much.

People may say I'm too kind because I don't have enemies. Yes I don't unless there's someone out there that secretly hates me but as far as I am concern I have no time for making enemies and dealing with them. I have maybe too many acquaintances, civil relationships as they say but only very few intimate friends. And these people that made up my little cult are the ones subjected to that "HATE" word along with my family.

At the moment I actually have 3 people in my list that I "HATE" on and off for this year, ok make that 4, I'm including myself. So yeah, I guess I love myself too, maybe a little too much since I'm hating myself for almost half of the time...hehe. But one thing I learned in my Moral Philosophy class is to "hate the did but never hate the doer." (um, I'm quoting myself duh) But I would like to make exceptions for in my case I hate myself as much as I hate my mistakes.

So it is a given fact for me that if I don't hate something it means it doesn't really exist in my realm of intimate relationship. That's why you wouldn't really hear me talk shit about other people for I really don't care to stay up all night bothered by unimportant selfish, lying, abusive, opportunistic, assholes. Life is too short and precious to be spent in negativity but I like to dwell in muddy pits sometimes, just sometimes, rarely, once in a blue moon I must say but still my rant today isn't about just some parasite gay that social climb for a night for free booze and night of fun and lend some thousand bucks to afford a whore and obviously never pay it back. "FACT you" (See I'm in a bad mood today but I'm still tactful, the word I think still delivers the same impact as the 4-letter F word  but I dare not say in this blog.)

No, I don't hate that gay. He isn't a friend after all and I never considered him to be one and maybe that's how he felt too towards me. But I abhors him not his kind, I have nothing against gays or homos but I really don't like some stuff they like to do but well, it's their life. If they want to get dirty then get dirty but please don't spread your muds on our trails.

Enough of unimportant things let's get on to what I hate. Yes, "Emotional Blackmail." My mother knows my weakness, she is my mother after all not really surprising and I hate her for using this weak points to make sense to me in an argument. She often say "uto-uto ka kaya" (you are gullible) whenever she learned that I am doing something for someone for free. That's another thing I hate about her, she seems to consider all things that I am doing a waste of time, worthwhile for her is something that has a price tag on it. Blogging? What can you get from it? She'll ask. Volunteering? Can it put food on our table? etc. etc.

I know we are not rich but I am thankful for her for letting me live now like a hell of a pensioner. Yes I am admitting it. I deleted the word "independent" in my self-description since I came back home. I am still independent in almost all aspect except "financially" and my mother will add "physically" but I don't agree for that part because even though I'm too lazy for household chores I know I can do it on my own. I've done that in the metro and I am more of the perfectionist for that. I wanted my hair messy-looking YES, but everything else I want it all squeaky clean but now I am saying I don't really mean I am going to do the cleaning. But it doesn't mean that someone needs to do that for me. If I can no longer stand the mess I'll clean it up and that's how my mother does it too but she's just super sensitive on little things that if she want these things to be done, she wanted it in a snap of her fingers. And I hate that snap of the fingers part, it applies whenever, wherever even if that means you have to get out of the toilet while you're in the middle of #2 or you're slumbering in the most weirdest time of the day. Yes, yes, I said I'm going to do it but can you at least wait for a sec, it's not like the world will end if I didn't wash my dishes in a span of 30 minutes.

I am older now I know what to do even if she actually thinks that I don't and treat me like a 7-year old. That stinks. She always say "you don't have a purpose in life." Well, newsflash I do and it's all written in my journals since I was a fourth grader but I know she doesn't really take it as something worthwhile because it doesn't jive with her laid out purpose in her life's plan.

But if you could only learn to wait for just a little more time my worthwhile things will be climbing your definition of worthwhile things in terms of your hefty price tag. But I know it won't change your mind about forcing me into doing the things on your plan but sorry I'm never going back to your manual programming. This is my life, make or break I am sailing as a captain of my ship. Well you can be the adviser but please get off your hand in my steering wheel.

I had enough I was pulled into depression living her dreams and I would like to stop blaming people for my misfortunes because obviously I am the sole responsible for my life so I've learned the hard way never to let other people on the driver's seat and wheeled your life for in the end they will only tell you "it is your life after all when everything's turn out badly they'll point out that it was all your fault." But when it turns out the other way of course all the praises leads to the greatness of the one-in-charge and they'll claim it to be their brilliant plans. I don't really care for all that public glory, let's just leave that to our trapo and celebs that wanted to establish philanthropic acts in front of cameras. I prefer doing good things when no one is looking.

Now, I am sorry call me a prodigal daughter, a problem-maker, a disobedient child but I am claiming my life and I have my own paths laid out for me please just keep your beaten track in your closet. I don't want to use it, I prefer to create my own. I am not saying that your plans aren't worthwhile but it's just that I am not you but I wouldn't mind taking some advice and constructive criticism. You might always say we look alike and I don't mind that REALLY but I am not your extended self, I am your daughter but I am not your puppet so I wish for you to cut those strings and let me pull my trigger.

I don't argue with the cliche' "mother's know best" but sorry in terms of living my life I know better now after all as I've said it is my life and your kind of happiness, isn't necessarily my kind of happiness. The same way we don't agree with the meaning of worthwhile. And believe me not pushing into my throats your kind of life will save us both from messing each others day. That's a good start for me, to actually straighten up my life and keep you from ruining it...

P.S. Having a million bucks in my bank account but doing what I don't like for the sake of society's recognition and honor is not my definition of success. But if the things that I love to do would bring food to the table, now we're talking and for somehow it will amount to a million bucks, who are you kidding, of course I want that million bucks, who doesn't right?

ang totoo

101 Truths About Me: #3 My being single is a choice.

I grew up wanting to be a priest so I served in our church as a lector and spent most of my days learning to be one but when I was 10 years old I realized it is impossible for priesthood is for males but I can be a nun instead said the priest but I told him I didn't want to be a nun because I don't have much knowledge of what they do and I wanted to conduct masses and give sermons and nuns don't do that.

When I was in high school my favorite teacher in Values Education had resigned on teaching to become a nun and I finally decided that I wanted to be one too but I just kept it inside and I had lived a normal high school life. A rebel teachers may say and a pain-in-the-ass student. I didn't attend classes regularly and usually I just show up to take examinations but I've managed to pass along with everybody in the class so no worries. I was as normal as can be while keeping a secret on a calling that I had. No one would believe me if ever I told them so better just keep it and enjoy being a teen.

Our family had a rule that no one is allowed to be in a relationship while we are still studying so I followed it because of fear and respect for them. My sisters however had broken that rule but it went fine and they've been allowed when my mom discovered it but my late grandma had always been opposed to that but they can't do anything since my sisters are that stubborn. In my case, I was thinking had I known it would be fine to break that rule would have I go for it? Maybe but I don't think so. I was more interested in a lot of things rather than having a boyfriend and I do think they are just distractions for the the things I love to do. I do have crushes and I had fallen in love those time but boys are just a past time, something my friends like to talk when there's nothing left to talk about or something just to make a day a little out of ordinary. Men had never been the center of my life except my dad.

I was a feminist and I am still but I'm never a man-hater in fact I used to be one of the boys and most of the time in high school I love hanging out with them that's why I knew how boys really are both the good and bad things about them as I also grew up very close to three male cousins.

During my 2nd year in college there are congregations of nuns who visited our school and I had pick one because of a pretty habit, in turns out to be Dominicans. With that reasoning I set aside that calling for I know it isn't much real since I don't have much purpose of joining them but after my younger sister died and during her 2nd day of wake I had filled out an application letter to Paulines and when my mom and aunt had been informed by a nun who accompanied me and visit my sister in the chapel they did not approve of it. They sent me to Manila instead hoping I'll change my mind when I am there.

From then on I had been in different places because of different jobs but even with a busy life when I reflect I still wanted to be in that congregation but after my depression I had been the laziest of people and now I realized I can't be in there. I won't pass the novice stage where you have to wash tons of dishes, scrape the floor and other dirty jobs included. I am not domesticated and I am as stubborn as hell. I love to question anything and everything and no one can make me just follow everything even the bible passage I scrutinize it. I still can't get the answer why my godmother in my baptism had went out the congregation and enter a different religion after. And other controversies inside the church are disturbing me so now I am done and settled that I don't want to be a part of that.

So yes,

In life, there are three (3) callings or vocations:

1. religious calling

2. single blessedness

3. married life


#1 is down but I am still in #2. Along with the decision of being a nun in high school, it goes with single blessedness as a back-up or a fall down. And this is actually the strongest of all calling in my being. Even though I had been socially active and loves to mingle with friends I had always been a loner too. I enjoy a lot of alone time as much as I enjoy being with people and the idea of marriage is actually threatening that personal space I always want to keep.


I am a workaholic too or whenever I am into something that makes me happy I actually forget everything especially having a love life and yes it is the last thing in my mind. I don't really care of what people might think or say about me being single up to this day because I am enjoying my life. 


My family is actually pushing me to find someone and get married but I am more interested of having twins rather than getting married not that I am willing to be pregnant out of wedlock. I am catholic and it is something I wouldn't do. Not that I care of being judged by others but I worry more of what myself would think about me committing such immorality. (It's kinda sad that it seems people are accepting this now, it is still wrong even if a lot of people is doing it. Frequency and acceptance doesn't make it right. It makes me frown that I have to put up everyday with random people telling straight to my face I am fat but no one really want to stick it up how bad it is to do those other things. No one actually had come out and said "Hey, you... you're immoral." So it seems it is more unacceptable to be fat these days and people aren't too forgiving on that... don't you think so?

But just to be fair and give myself the options and chances I deserve I am opening myself to other possibilities  and being in a dating site is the least I can do about it. We never know, maybe God has something different planned for me more than what I settled for myself. But up to this very moment single blessedness, it is. That's why I refer this as "crazy thing called love" because if it's real for sure it will find a way to my reasoning and it will find its path towards me but all within His time. Either way it ends I'm fine with it.

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If finding love becomes the focus of a young girl’s life, she finds a house full of kids before her time. If finding love is never important, she often finds a career and seldom loves. If finding love is a thought but not an obsession, it is found and then, it is appreciated.  ~ Anonymous ~ 

EXCUSE ME FOR THE LANGUAGE BUT IT HAS TO BE THE TITLE OR ELSE. Mau man.

I was once a slave of my heart; my brain got tired and asked for reform.

A revolution occurred; my territory was divided until a foreigner came and wanted to overrule. They had waved their red flags down and built their walls but the conqueror breached them all; only to retreat when he had discovered that he couldn’t understand the language of this side of the globe.

With this, heart feels pity for brain and brain thinks of the awful condition of heart. Then they decided to make a pact, never to forget each other’s side; to coexist in time and space, to think with the heart and feel with the brain that is. Thus, the treaty of pairs had been settled and a white flag soared highest.

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