Speckles n Spectrum

back to basics seemingly-banal adventures of an eclectic modern muser...

"Learning from the Past, Hopes for the Future, and a Life's Journey of making the most of what's at hand."


101 Truths About Me: #3 My being single is a choice.

I grew up wanting to be a priest so I served in our church as a lector and spent most of my days learning to be one but when I was 10 years old I realized it is impossible for priesthood is for males but I can be a nun instead said the priest but I told him I didn't want to be a nun because I don't have much knowledge of what they do and I wanted to conduct masses and give sermons and nuns don't do that.

When I was in high school my favorite teacher in Values Education had resigned on teaching to become a nun and I finally decided that I wanted to be one too but I just kept it inside and I had lived a normal high school life. A rebel teachers may say and a pain-in-the-ass student. I didn't attend classes regularly and usually I just show up to take examinations but I've managed to pass along with everybody in the class so no worries. I was as normal as can be while keeping a secret on a calling that I had. No one would believe me if ever I told them so better just keep it and enjoy being a teen.

Our family had a rule that no one is allowed to be in a relationship while we are still studying so I followed it because of fear and respect for them. My sisters however had broken that rule but it went fine and they've been allowed when my mom discovered it but my late grandma had always been opposed to that but they can't do anything since my sisters are that stubborn. In my case, I was thinking had I known it would be fine to break that rule would have I go for it? Maybe but I don't think so. I was more interested in a lot of things rather than having a boyfriend and I do think they are just distractions for the the things I love to do. I do have crushes and I had fallen in love those time but boys are just a past time, something my friends like to talk when there's nothing left to talk about or something just to make a day a little out of ordinary. Men had never been the center of my life except my dad.

I was a feminist and I am still but I'm never a man-hater in fact I used to be one of the boys and most of the time in high school I love hanging out with them that's why I knew how boys really are both the good and bad things about them as I also grew up very close to three male cousins.

During my 2nd year in college there are congregations of nuns who visited our school and I had pick one because of a pretty habit, in turns out to be Dominicans. With that reasoning I set aside that calling for I know it isn't much real since I don't have much purpose of joining them but after my younger sister died and during her 2nd day of wake I had filled out an application letter to Paulines and when my mom and aunt had been informed by a nun who accompanied me and visit my sister in the chapel they did not approve of it. They sent me to Manila instead hoping I'll change my mind when I am there.

From then on I had been in different places because of different jobs but even with a busy life when I reflect I still wanted to be in that congregation but after my depression I had been the laziest of people and now I realized I can't be in there. I won't pass the novice stage where you have to wash tons of dishes, scrape the floor and other dirty jobs included. I am not domesticated and I am as stubborn as hell. I love to question anything and everything and no one can make me just follow everything even the bible passage I scrutinize it. I still can't get the answer why my godmother in my baptism had went out the congregation and enter a different religion after. And other controversies inside the church are disturbing me so now I am done and settled that I don't want to be a part of that.

So yes,

In life, there are three (3) callings or vocations:

1. religious calling

2. single blessedness

3. married life

#1 is down but I am still in #2. Along with the decision of being a nun in high school, it goes with single blessedness as a back-up or a fall down. And this is actually the strongest of all calling in my being. Even though I had been socially active and loves to mingle with friends I had always been a loner too. I enjoy a lot of alone time as much as I enjoy being with people and the idea of marriage is actually threatening that personal space I always want to keep.

I am a workaholic too or whenever I am into something that makes me happy I actually forget everything especially having a love life and yes it is the last thing in my mind. I don't really care of what people might think or say about me being single up to this day because I am enjoying my life. 

My family is actually pushing me to find someone and get married but I am more interested of having twins rather than getting married not that I am willing to be pregnant out of wedlock. I am catholic and it is something I wouldn't do. Not that I care of being judged by others but I worry more of what myself would think about me committing such immorality. (It's kinda sad that it seems people are accepting this now, it is still wrong even if a lot of people is doing it. Frequency and acceptance doesn't make it right. It makes me frown that I have to put up everyday with random people telling straight to my face I am fat but no one really want to stick it up how bad it is to do those other things. No one actually had come out and said "Hey, you... you're immoral." So it seems it is more unacceptable to be fat these days and people aren't too forgiving on that... don't you think so?

But just to be fair and give myself the options and chances I deserve I am opening myself to other possibilities  and being in a dating site is the least I can do about it. We never know, maybe God has something different planned for me more than what I settled for myself. But up to this very moment single blessedness, it is. That's why I refer this as "crazy thing called love" because if it's real for sure it will find a way to my reasoning and it will find its path towards me but all within His time. Either way it ends I'm fine with it.

(photo credit)

If finding love becomes the focus of a young girl’s life, she finds a house full of kids before her time. If finding love is never important, she often finds a career and seldom loves. If finding love is a thought but not an obsession, it is found and then, it is appreciated.  ~ Anonymous ~ 

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