Speckles n Spectrum

back to basics seemingly-banal adventures of an eclectic modern muser...

"Learning from the Past, Hopes for the Future, and a Life's Journey of making the most of what's at hand."

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I'm actually having a downtime right now, it started last night. I don't know I thought I am tougher now and prepared for stuff like this but I was all so wrong. I'm still too weak dealing with emotional blackmail and it bothers me a lot especially coming from someone very important.

"Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths,
but the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands." ~ Anne Frank ~

(photo credit)
101 Truths About Me: #5 The word "HATE" is a very special word for me for when I say it in a serious manner I truly meant it but it is a darn give away that beyond the word is the very opposite.

Well, you see I guard my heart (maybe it's wrong to be that secure but with my experience I really need to do it or else I'll end up broken or worse in an asylum). I really don't mind the broken part as I am accustomed to that but the latter is what I fear the most. Kindness, sympathy and empathy are my worst traits. Nice to have but fatal to emotional stability. Consider it a gift and curse at the same time, it brings you joy the way it hurts you much.

People may say I'm too kind because I don't have enemies. Yes I don't unless there's someone out there that secretly hates me but as far as I am concern I have no time for making enemies and dealing with them. I have maybe too many acquaintances, civil relationships as they say but only very few intimate friends. And these people that made up my little cult are the ones subjected to that "HATE" word along with my family.

At the moment I actually have 3 people in my list that I "HATE" on and off for this year, ok make that 4, I'm including myself. So yeah, I guess I love myself too, maybe a little too much since I'm hating myself for almost half of the time...hehe. But one thing I learned in my Moral Philosophy class is to "hate the did but never hate the doer." (um, I'm quoting myself duh) But I would like to make exceptions for in my case I hate myself as much as I hate my mistakes.

So it is a given fact for me that if I don't hate something it means it doesn't really exist in my realm of intimate relationship. That's why you wouldn't really hear me talk shit about other people for I really don't care to stay up all night bothered by unimportant selfish, lying, abusive, opportunistic, assholes. Life is too short and precious to be spent in negativity but I like to dwell in muddy pits sometimes, just sometimes, rarely, once in a blue moon I must say but still my rant today isn't about just some parasite gay that social climb for a night for free booze and night of fun and lend some thousand bucks to afford a whore and obviously never pay it back. "FACT you" (See I'm in a bad mood today but I'm still tactful, the word I think still delivers the same impact as the 4-letter F word  but I dare not say in this blog.)

No, I don't hate that gay. He isn't a friend after all and I never considered him to be one and maybe that's how he felt too towards me. But I abhors him not his kind, I have nothing against gays or homos but I really don't like some stuff they like to do but well, it's their life. If they want to get dirty then get dirty but please don't spread your muds on our trails.

Enough of unimportant things let's get on to what I hate. Yes, "Emotional Blackmail." My mother knows my weakness, she is my mother after all not really surprising and I hate her for using this weak points to make sense to me in an argument. She often say "uto-uto ka kaya" (you are gullible) whenever she learned that I am doing something for someone for free. That's another thing I hate about her, she seems to consider all things that I am doing a waste of time, worthwhile for her is something that has a price tag on it. Blogging? What can you get from it? She'll ask. Volunteering? Can it put food on our table? etc. etc.

I know we are not rich but I am thankful for her for letting me live now like a hell of a pensioner. Yes I am admitting it. I deleted the word "independent" in my self-description since I came back home. I am still independent in almost all aspect except "financially" and my mother will add "physically" but I don't agree for that part because even though I'm too lazy for household chores I know I can do it on my own. I've done that in the metro and I am more of the perfectionist for that. I wanted my hair messy-looking YES, but everything else I want it all squeaky clean but now I am saying I don't really mean I am going to do the cleaning. But it doesn't mean that someone needs to do that for me. If I can no longer stand the mess I'll clean it up and that's how my mother does it too but she's just super sensitive on little things that if she want these things to be done, she wanted it in a snap of her fingers. And I hate that snap of the fingers part, it applies whenever, wherever even if that means you have to get out of the toilet while you're in the middle of #2 or you're slumbering in the most weirdest time of the day. Yes, yes, I said I'm going to do it but can you at least wait for a sec, it's not like the world will end if I didn't wash my dishes in a span of 30 minutes.

I am older now I know what to do even if she actually thinks that I don't and treat me like a 7-year old. That stinks. She always say "you don't have a purpose in life." Well, newsflash I do and it's all written in my journals since I was a fourth grader but I know she doesn't really take it as something worthwhile because it doesn't jive with her laid out purpose in her life's plan.

But if you could only learn to wait for just a little more time my worthwhile things will be climbing your definition of worthwhile things in terms of your hefty price tag. But I know it won't change your mind about forcing me into doing the things on your plan but sorry I'm never going back to your manual programming. This is my life, make or break I am sailing as a captain of my ship. Well you can be the adviser but please get off your hand in my steering wheel.

I had enough I was pulled into depression living her dreams and I would like to stop blaming people for my misfortunes because obviously I am the sole responsible for my life so I've learned the hard way never to let other people on the driver's seat and wheeled your life for in the end they will only tell you "it is your life after all when everything's turn out badly they'll point out that it was all your fault." But when it turns out the other way of course all the praises leads to the greatness of the one-in-charge and they'll claim it to be their brilliant plans. I don't really care for all that public glory, let's just leave that to our trapo and celebs that wanted to establish philanthropic acts in front of cameras. I prefer doing good things when no one is looking.

Now, I am sorry call me a prodigal daughter, a problem-maker, a disobedient child but I am claiming my life and I have my own paths laid out for me please just keep your beaten track in your closet. I don't want to use it, I prefer to create my own. I am not saying that your plans aren't worthwhile but it's just that I am not you but I wouldn't mind taking some advice and constructive criticism. You might always say we look alike and I don't mind that REALLY but I am not your extended self, I am your daughter but I am not your puppet so I wish for you to cut those strings and let me pull my trigger.

I don't argue with the cliche' "mother's know best" but sorry in terms of living my life I know better now after all as I've said it is my life and your kind of happiness, isn't necessarily my kind of happiness. The same way we don't agree with the meaning of worthwhile. And believe me not pushing into my throats your kind of life will save us both from messing each others day. That's a good start for me, to actually straighten up my life and keep you from ruining it...

P.S. Having a million bucks in my bank account but doing what I don't like for the sake of society's recognition and honor is not my definition of success. But if the things that I love to do would bring food to the table, now we're talking and for somehow it will amount to a million bucks, who are you kidding, of course I want that million bucks, who doesn't right?

5 Thoughts:

This was a great read. Keep up the good work!

Thanks. I'm looking for your blog but it seems you have none. Probably you just like reading blogs. Anyways, thank you for visiting my blog. Feel free to read my rantings and providing me feedback. Constructive criticism is always welcome.

Nice post... as we say in Indonesia BENCI [hate] = BENar-benar CInta [deaply in love]
i hope you get along with your mother. i'm sure she actually love you (in her own way). :)

Thank you Fiqky for the Indonesian translations. 

Yes I actually get along with her now but sometimes there are still days we argue about the same stuff though it's getting better nowadays. 

I truly appreciate your honesty in the things that you write.  I have no doubt that as long as you remain true to yourself that you will be a success.

Jon :-)

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