Speckles n Spectrum

back to basics seemingly-banal adventures of an eclectic modern muser...

"Learning from the Past, Hopes for the Future, and a Life's Journey of making the most of what's at hand."


ang totoo

(photo credit)
gusto kong malaman ang totoo

ano kayang totoo

sa hindi totoo

sino kaya ang totoo

sino kaya ang hindi totoo

ano kayang paniniwalaan ko

yong totoo o yong hindi totoo

ano bang gusto mong isipin ko

yong kasinungalingang ginagawang totoo

o iyong totoong sa kasinungalingan ibinabato

ang totoo

magulo ang totoo

dahil maraming kasinungalingang nababalot sa totoo

at mga katotohanan namang balot sa panloloko

ang totoo

marunong na akong magpakatotoo

dati na akong totoo

hindi mo lang matanggap ang totoo

kasi hindi tungkol sayo ang totoo

ang totoo

inakala kong ikaw ang totoo

pero ang totoo nalaman ko

ang totoo

nagkamali ako

ng akalain ko na ikaw ang totoo

ang totoo

isa lang ang mahal ko

isa pa lang ang minahal ko

ang imahe na pinaaalala mo

ang totoo

kasalanan ko

nakita ko sayo ang larawan

ng nag-iisang asawa ng nanay ko...

kaya alam ko naglolokohan lang tayo.


(photo credit)
ano yan?

wala ako niyan

bakit ako matatakot?

ano ba ang dapat katakutan?

wala naman di ba?

ayoko lang masaktan

ayokong lumuha dahil wala na akong iluluha

sobra kasi akong lumuha

ayokong magmukhang tanga

dahil dati na akong tanga

matagal ng nagpapakatanga

ayoko ng magmahal

dahil wala namang magmamahal

pero habambuhay pa ring nagmamahal

ayoko ng mangarap

dahil wala namang patutunguhan

araw araw kung pangarap

ayoko ng magsalita

dahil wala namang nakikinig

minu-minuto kong ibinubulong

ayoko ng makialam

dahil lahat naman walang pakialam

walang oras na hindi nakikiramdam


dahil takot ako

takot pala ako

takot ako sa mundo

takot ako sa kanila

takot ako saiyo


takot ako sa sarili ko!

I was bored maybe not really but I wanted to do something else rather than sit or stretch-out talking to my laptop and I happened to notice my favorite book decomposing in the little corner of my jungle, yeah I call my room that since it looks like a wild forest anyways. I was sorry to see that the back cover had been rip-out thanks to my sisters who just happened to eyed it for awhile (hmmm, they don't even like to read for pleasure they read things because they need it for school but then I did their papers and projects most of the time so I know for a fact that they haven't read one book from cover to cover) so maybe this book is really interesting that they both have to borrow it and carry it almost everyday for a week I guess, and showing it to their friends.

I'm glad that they love my book and are actually reading for pleasure you don't know how much I wish there's someone in my immediate family who share the same hobbies with me so we can exchange ideas and have time for philosophizing. Don't get me wrong my sisters are intelligent and excel in school (but they have very different interests compare to me) in fact they have way better grades than me (our youngest graduated Cum Laude and my late sis was almost into it missing only a few points) while I can't even get an A because of excessive absences and constantly showing up more than 30 minutes late if ever I am not absent for that day. But that's another story for me to tell maybe one day I'll write about the reasons behind it if I found the mood for it :) Well, I am still proud to say that we were all scholars for all the 4 years we stayed in college except my late sister who chose to drop out of her full scholarship for her 3rd year because she had changed her mind on what to major in (that only her can do, it's impractical and selfish given that my mom is raising us single-handedly and it was the same year when all the 3 of us were in the same University but I envy her because I've been wanting to do that too but was never allowed, sure favoritism runs in the family, you can actually say that but parents for all we know would always deny that fact even with all the evidence.)

My father loves to read newspapers and magazines and that's what we did everyday on his days in the hospital and I got the love for reading through him and his father Lolo Omat had been an inspiration too. He was a typist for the guerrilla during the Japanese time and worked as a notary public. He had a collection of Reader's Digest dated 1962 as far as I could remember and I used to spend my free time reading those when I was 6. After he died I was hoping to keep his Olympia typewriter and his book collections especially the digests but well I got the digests after the typhoon and the house were flooded  and my mom thought they're all garbage even if some of it were still readable and so I wasn't allowed to take them home but I've sneaked and kept some then it was thrown (maybe given away, I'm not sure) later on when we moved to a different town when she had discovered it along with my paintings.

My mother was a little odd, she's a professor and she taught us how to read and require us to read but now that I am all grown-up and I love reading and made it as a hobby I often hear her complain about it and about my spending money on books and yet she's not saying anything about my younger sister's splurge on clothes, and what about her fetish for bags and shoes, isn't it unusual? And yes she doesn't love to read like my 2 siblings. The four of us are opposites when it comes to reading. The 3 of them reads because it is required while I read because I just love reading but I actually love to read things that aren't school related or academic. I love learning but I'm not into studying.

As I was saying, my sisters had borrowed my book without permission but when I saw that they were bringing it to school I didn't say anything I'm fine with it: them reading my books but sure they could have asked first. Anyways, as careless as they were after a week or so I've seen my book dumped in a corner and yes dilapidated... arrgh! At that time I was such a neat-freak, I always take good care of my things especially my books because I wanted them to last but you can't seem to make it possible with untidy and careless people living in the same roof who just like getting things as if they own everything and dumps it whenever they're done with it.

I love this book so much because every time I read it  it makes me smile and it makes me think. It inspires me a lot even up to this day. This is the only book that I've read more than 20 times and I won't get tired reading it over and over and that comes from me who never read a book twice. I used to put this underneath my pillow because it's the first and last thing that I read everyday, it used to be The Bible but well, change of interests had caused it. As it says, enough of truth searching, it's time for a fantasy.

I've found this book in just the right time as it says in its title: I Have Abandoned My Search for Truth, and Am Now Looking for A Good Fantasy. Yes I was actually looking forward for the good things of the future and was done of searching for my truth so good one. (Actually it was my friend Cecile who found this while we were rummaging the pile of books on sale in Master Square (a used to be famous sort of like a mini-mall in our town until the big malls went into business here) and she gave it to me so I bought it for the cheapest price P25.00 and it was the best and most compensated peso I've ever spent. So I wasn't really splurging on books since I'm getting them through book-sale but when I was already working I had a membership with Powerbooks in Greenbelt and yeah, I've been a shopaholic and spent all my money for clothes, shoes and mostly books and women's magazines that my friends had borrowed and well never did returned and that's 2 stupid things again for me, all charge to experience.

I can relate much with the author: Ashleigh Brilliant was from a lower-middle class (just like me) but lives in London and California for the later part of his life. He's a professor and I was (I used to teach in a State College)  and he actually made me realized or put into words why I used to despise my real name.

 "as a child I hated Ashleigh Ellwood for some obscure and sensitive family reason. I was never called by either of these names, except in anger."  --- Ashleigh Brilliant

And I love this author for the most part because he inspires me a lot to think and to write more. I love quotations, idioms, poetry or anything that involves playing of words that's why I was also addicted to scrabble when I was a child. My first few weeks reading this book over and over left my mind running full time there were nights that I have to wake up in wee hours just to write a pot-shot. I've written tons and I've written most of it at twilight with me holding a flashlight so my mother won't notice that I was still up. But sad to say I don't know where were my pot-shots it may have been included on my things my mom burnt along with the trash, tsk,tsk.

Oh, I wasn't able to mention that this isn't some novel book, it is a graphical book sort of like a comic book. It is a collection of epigram and the author called it POT-SHOT. And these are the 2 important rules in composing it:

  1. no Pot-shot may exceed 17 words
  2. the words and expressions used must be understood as easily as possible, by the widest possible range of people, with no impediment (such as rhyme, puns, or idioms) to translation into other languages  

Here's a few of my favorite pot-shots:

I used to say this when someone touches my hair "you ruin my already ruined hair" coined from this. 

And in case you haven't noticed the title of the book is also a pot-shot :) And yes he's also responsible for the sketches so "brilliant" indeed.

Best Posts

Me 2006
As I was wondering why someone using myspace mobile ended up in my blog from a direct link when I haven't even visited myspace for a long time now so to check I reopen my account and found out that I've linked my twitter to it thus it's being updated through that. I noticed that a slideshow I made in 2006 consisting mostly my photos of my last year in college is still existing and working properly fine in the sidebar of my profile unlike in friendster it was a deadlink now. Excited to get a copy of that so I went to slide and I'm glad that I was able to open my account on it with a few tries guessing my email and password for it. And here it is now I thought it would be nice to have a copy of it in my blog. Bear with me with the photo quality most of these are taken through ancient webcam but that's totally new when we bought it worth P3000.00 in 2003 (of course) I haven't edited it this is how it was originally made, cute for a college but the pink bubbles are actually annoying me now, so tempting to edit it but Nah, it would defeat the purpose of it as a memento of how I was and what I was like those years. Now click to play :)

For those who think I’m bad
For those who think I’m a lad
For those who said I’m a snob
Or those who think I’m a slut
Bless you!
For those who said I’m smart
Yet talks to me like I’m dumb.
For those who believe I’m ugly
Yet never really know why, sadly.
Bless you!
Funny that everything comes too puny
Oh, I’m reacting badly
You see, I’m just making fun of your excess
And this is just my way to resist.
Easy, I’m not starting a fight
I somehow seem to argue when I write.
Assuming it is, and then what’s all the fuss?
I write everything I want even if it’ll hurt my paws.
This is just the rule of law
A smile is a smile for all to get through.
Patience is patient for almost all the time
but if it loses all thread a different word comes in rhyme.
All the things I’d like to say simply wrap up in an F and a U.
Bamboo sings it like everything matters even initials like these
True enough it’ll make sense when you hear me say it to your face.
There I blew it, the next minute I’ll be just fine.
The angst had been released; it’s my turn to give the pun.
I’m done making excuses to avoid hurting all at once
I’m tired of saying sorry for the song I’ve never dance.
You judged me like I’m a piece of gum
As if you have chewed everything I am
Now, I’m all too knowing and cruel
Just because I’m doing the things you started to fuel.
The way I’ve said it before,
I’m taking it back for more.
I am not just an angel with heavy halo that makes me bow
Sometimes the thread of patience forms a whip and whack too low for a cow.
Today, I chose to act something different from my usual luck
It’s nice to know that I still know how to strike
I’m getting even from the way you’re treating me, foe
But I’m too relieved now to make another stew
So bless you!

(photo credit)

We have Racial Discrimination and I made up this Facial Discrimination thing. (I thought I made it up but as I googled it now... Oh, well it's a real thing and existing elsewhere... I'm always too late to realize things just like only learning the word SELF DEPRECATION and CONUNDRUM a few days ago... arrgh!)

I feel sorry that my blog is actually starting to tackle on negativity and all that but if no one wants to say a thing about the harsh reality and maybe I'll better do that. I am not the pa-sweet effect (maybe it's ok but in serious matters it won't work for me). I am the type who is not afraid of people's opinions, I'm more scared of my own opinions about myself since I am my worst critic (you can't imagine how downgraded I was in my own standards before and even now but I'm a little nicer to myself now so there's nothing worst that I can't take). I believe that every one of us has a bitchy side and mine is my being straight forward, no sugar-coating words and sometimes being brutally honest but I'm learning euphemisms to tone it down and backing it up with TACTFULNESS :)

I am the type of person that my friends go to when they want to hear the truth. I give them what they NEED to hear and not what they WANT to hear. I'm the one who will tell you if you are my close friend, you have halitosis and you need to fix it. And it's not delivered as a joke because it's an important matter. I prefer it that way than having to say it at her back. I hate backbiters.

Anyway, so here it is Why Facial Discrimination? I know it has been present since time immemorial and yet is not given any attention but just like racial discrimination it sucks big time. With all the superficiality going on now it might not be easy to live in a world that loves the beautiful and despises the ugly.

But sometimes who can't blame people for hating someone who is not good-looking but act like real pain-in-the-neck. I mean ugly people who are overly confident and has a lot of bad attitude. Ugly inside and out. Jackpot!

I have seen someone that posted this message: "Umasta lang ng naayon sa Ganda" (act only according to your beauty). It makes sense but it makes me think that only the beautiful people have the right to do whatever the hell they wanted to do. Isn't it discriminating? And what is funny about it is the one who posted doesn't even qualify above average in the looks department. Talking about getting her own dose of medicine. I wanted to ask then why are you posting that? Aren't you acting more than what you should? But I kept it to myself because we're not really close.

Pardon me if I seem to be a bipolar in this issue. I know it's wrong to restrict people's freedom of choices just because they are ugly but it seems a pretty good idea too since I hate it more when someone who is not that good-looking is acting over the top like a bitchy prima donna. It has more weight I think because you are already annoying even when you haven't done anything yet. Oops!

Overall I think whether you are that damn good-looking or not so much you still need to have a sort of decency, a take on what is wrong or right. No one has the right to do bad things no matter how high you think you rate in your looks. Yes, all of it just happened to be their perception on their self-image and maybe that's why that person had that guts to post that annoying message.

Now, I'm not even sure if I am entitled for this post too :)

(photo credit)

Ages had passed
Potions had been perfected
Technology had emerged
Tis the 21st century
And I am left in the ancient past
Where I believe in fairies
Princesses with their knights
I don't have a single drop of royal blood though I am waiting for my knight.

I have dragons to slay
witches to cast spells
demons to conquer.

I do have abyss to swim
skies to fly
fruits to reap
But I don't have my knight.

Someone who'll risk seeing what is within
Someone who'll embrace my baby fats
Someone who'll caress my hair with all its tangles and frizzy ends
Someone who'll look at me in the eye and will accept everything I am and beyond.

Then one night as I woke up from a dream
I've found my knight.
In a place where I least expected it.
Standing right in front of me,
In a place I have refused to look.
Staring back at me in front of the mirror,
The one person I've failed to appreciate...

Diabetes runs in the history of our family. My grandfather on my father side had been blinded and died because of complications, my father too, as well as his eldest sister and now my mom had acquired it and is now on daily insulin shots so that leaves me to be next in line and the sad part is no matter how you live healthy and do the right stuff it's impossible for me to avoid it since it is both hereditary and can be acquired.

I am still on the philosophy that "If it's your time, then it's your time" no matter where you are, what you do if you need to go, then you need to go anytime, anywhere and there's nothing you can do to stop it. So I still eat what I want and live the way I want it to be in the meantime. It isn't healthy for health buffs but I think it's healthy for my soul however a lot will oppose my view about it especially my mom but I prefer heaving a healthy mind for now my focus is there and exercise is the farthest thing in my mind right now but it's on my list to do but not yet for now.

Even though not my choice but I'm sharing a home with a diabetic so it means we need to live and share lifestyles and it includes being on a same diet most of the time. Well, my mom don't force me to eat anything I don't want and neither force me to do things but it doesn't mean I don't get a consistent nag about not eating healthy, not exercising and all that stuff.

But somehow I like what she cooks so most of the time I'm eating healthy because of it so yes I can say I'm in a diabetic diet somehow and that's good because I don't need to adjust much when I'm already there (still wishing I won't inherit it and hope this way I won't acquire it too.)

She had been planting and growing plants in a vacant lot in our subdivision and in a garden in the school where she's still teaching until now and we call it her mini farm-ville. From time to time we get our fruit supplies from those, she share a few to our neighbors and we keep enough for our consumption, bananas are the largest produce so it's the fruit that we give out the most whenever it's bearing fruits if it's not we buy it in the market...

(Mangoes are from Cebu included in my sister's pasalubong)
I'm glad that she's done with carrot juices and shakes because it taste disgusting. It was fine with apples but then she said apples had a lot of fertilizers so not healthy and it's too sweet. Now I'm glad that she made this shake yesterday...

pure mango-banana-papaya shake no sugar
Still a bit bland taste like hospital food but with banana bits it's pretty tasty already So that's what I learned in time... I just need to figure out little things, modify something or add a few things here and there so it fits my taste buds but for her cooking I'm fine with it no need to adjust anything it's delicious and I'm not saying this because she's my mom because I won't say that even if she is. After all no one can make me eat anything that I don't want. So the stir-fried vegetable with squid that came along with the shake, I've passed, No thank you, the shake will do. Maybe it's delicious but sorry I don't eat squids and this had been my alternative...

I heard on the news
There’s a typhoon under my brows
It’s a different storm
Because I can select its form.
Would it be a signal # 1?
Silent yet flowing looks just a dry run
What if signal # 2?
A sniff and a flickering show.
Or signal # 3?
Heavy drops pouring, shoulders disturbed by thunder.
Then the ultimate signal # anything it goes…
It has a lot to do with the flood and the woes.
I have to prepare whichever I prefer
Should I tie my neck to keep it in the lair?
Or should I held my hand with a rope
To prevent me from showing in the slope?
Maybe, I have to nail my feet to where there’s a fleet
Like it can save me from all the defeat.
There’s one thing left, a folded handkerchief
Wrap it around my head and feel its velvety leaf
It soothes me best to pour out the emptiness
The storm had come and it never made me less
There’s no harm done, I just let it all passably
Washing the deepest places that forgot to be lively.
Crybaby, cry
But only for awhile
You have to do this just for once
Clear the river that flows inside your lines
Drop all the mud to the sea
That is where it should be
Forget the clouds that dawn on you
The thunder that mocks your view
Release the misty water
Unclog the depths of your nadir.
Crybaby, cry
There’s no harm if you try
Every grown up man had passed this line
Cry out loud, it will not make you less of a man.
Do it now if you feel like doing it today
There’s no reason to fake it like a play.
Tomorrow, the storm will stop
The sun will laugh
You’re still here feeling relieve
Thanking the weather even if you didn’t believe
There’s no trace of evidence in your defeat
But you know better because you can relate.
Come on, crybaby, cry
It will not make you less if you try.

photo: Google Images

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