Speckles n Spectrum

back to basics seemingly-banal adventures of an eclectic modern muser...

"Learning from the Past, Hopes for the Future, and a Life's Journey of making the most of what's at hand."

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naghihiling ka na naman
                         nakiki usi 
               nakikibasa
        kan bareta kan buhay
kan buhay nin may buhay.
           herak man.
naghahanap
               baka sakaling may sablay
    may sala
         ispileng arog ka ni
uni pag gamit grammatical 
                           o salang kaisipan  
ang bulan mas dakula sa saldang
           ibig sabihon palan 
     month is longer than a day…
herak man.
                    palpak
          sana pirmi
   kadakol ako ka iyan hade?
tama ka man
              aram ta man…
     napapagal 
             ka nang mag intindi
                                herak man.
purbaran
         ta man na ika naman
   ano daw 
         kung ika naman?
       magsurat 
ka naman
           ano man daw
   ang saimong mga namamatean?
                                        dae man kaya 
           mas dakol ka pang 
                                  naaaraman?
mabasa 
        ako naman
              ang makikibasa
pabasa 
      kan saimong mga mata?
paheling man 
           mayong saradirihan
aramon ta man 
    kun anuman ang padudumanan
nakakapangirit
             nakakapangitngit
o makakapagabat man 
                    ning daghan…
                        purbaran 
                   mo man 
                                     ano man daw
         kun ika naman 
                       ang babasahan 
                                         aram mo naman 
ang kasunod kaiyan
    ano kaya
             ang mamamatean?
                                 ugwa ka kayang 
                                                 marereyalizar
        miski kadikit lang
                                                   may maintindihan
                   kung tano ta arog kaiyan
             baka sakaling         
                                                                           
                                     arog ko
                   maherak ka man!


(photo credit)

March 17 about 6:00 pm just before dinner my mom asked me if I felt cold, I said "Nope, why should I since the temperature is just normal maybe a little hotter than colder." She shrugged and wonder why she felt it's too cold and headed back to her room to watch TV and I thought everything's just fine.

After half past ten in the evening she went to the bathroom and asked me to prepare coffee since she can no longer stand how cold she felt and she was trembling. When I handed her the cup of coffee it was impossible for her to stir it using the spoon but she still tried to drink it but it ended up spilling everywhere. I'm already panicky because it was the first time I actually seen someone tremble like that and chilling like how it was in the movie with people who had epilepsy however it's milder than that it's still is alarming for me. Then I was thankful that my sister and Jay came in just the right time to return the car so we immediately rush her to the hospital but before that she had vomited everywhere the house and in the car and all I could do was leave a status message in Facebook that we are rushing her to the hospital hoping that our family and friends would read that and by any chance be informed immediately as we can't waste more time on informing them one by one because we were in an emergency.

Few tests are done and after the doctor examined and right before she was advised to be admitted she already wanted to go home and said she's fine. But we all opposed to it because her condition isn't that clear yet and we still didn't have the test result thus we didn't have the idea of what causes the trembling, chilling and vomiting.

So I was in-charged with the admission papers, everything's fine I'd been doing this for years since my father had been in-and-out of hospitals since I was seven or maybe even younger than that and I've been in-charged of processing all hospital related papers when I was in high school until his death in 1999 and with my sister's leukemia and just this December my mom had been here because of a vehicular accident so this is pretty easy for me you might think. Yes and No. Paperworks yes but dealing with my being in a hospital premise again is a big No. I actually had passed the chance to be with my sister in the 3rd hospital where she had died for so many reasons and the major one is this. Hospitals bring back memories of suffering and lost to me. For me it is a euphemism of a graveyard.  I know it shouldn't be that negative since they cure people here but with my experiences you can't blame me for scaring away in touching its grounds but I know I have no choice but be there for my mom so I have to set aside those personal reasons and be brave to face the reality that is now.

As we settled the rooms they said that the only available rooms are the 2 most expensive one. Oh my, we are in a hospital that people in this local city had given an alias "Money Seton Hospital" and called it by that instead of its real name Mother Seton Hospital and locals sure do have enough reasons to label it such as that. So being in the most expensive hospital in Bicol and they are saying that we need to choose between 2 expensive rooms well it would be pretty expensive for someone who belongs in the lower middle class like us. But we have no choice it's either here or in some other hospitals that wouldn't be at par with the services here and comfortability that it can offer. In fairness to them this is actually on the top-notch compare to other hospitals here but I would never say the word "best" because it isn't in the real sense of that word.

We actually went for the most expensive since the choices would be a room with A/C and a refrigerator or a room with A/C, TV and telephone. Of course my mom would prefer the TV on top of all and I know that for a fact so I had chosen the latter with her preference in my mind, after all she's the patient that needs to be entertained not me. On a practical note what would be the use of a chiller for us? We don't drink cold water and we like to order our food from restaurants since we want it served hot and this hospital doesn't have microwaves in any room.

We both have this Quantum Flask where you have to put drinking water  (not cold) and it will turn it into alkaline water in seconds and this sure works wonder.
Jay and I went back to our house to get the necessary stuff for the following days we have to spend in the hospital though we were all hoping that we'll be out by noon that very same day. We grab everything as fast as we can, clean the vomits in the house and the car and went back to the hospital. When everything was settled about 3:00 am and my mom was already asleep in her room, we opted to grab something to eat since we were all hungry by that time. It was Jay's birthday also but we all knew it wasn't time to celebrate yet not with happenings like this so we just went to Magsaysay since I'm craving for Miggy's sisig but it was already close and the next option would be Haidnhor Shawarma and yes, that's the only resto opened at that wee hour. (What happened to Bigg's Diner branch here then?)

Sizzling Shawarma with 3 cheeses and 2 roti + 7 additional roti
They drove me back to the hospital and they went packing their bags for their flight to Cebu. Back at the hospital I can't seem to sleep so I spent the hours video blogging but decided to keep it to myself since it was too crappy as usual the audio isn't too good because I can't speak loudly as not to wake my mom up.  Finally about quarter to 7:00am  I was able to sleep and at 10:00 am they all started waking me up and as I was grunting and all then they kept shouting cake and so I just need to rise to have a piece of that :)


Blowing Candles: This was the little celebration we had for Jay's 27th birthday.
And right after that they went to the airport and that means I was left to take care of everything. So paperwork it is and I had a dose of walking exercise processing all of it and buying medicines back and forth.

Long lines @ PhilHealth: This is just the first stop :(
On the 2nd and final stop : I'm near next :)
Bored in the long lines and observing while taking stolen shots of people, yep that's what's good about my camera phone: people seldom noticed that they've been captured by my lenses though it doesn't give high quality pictures but for now this will do.

Oh wow, something I would wear in Manila but not here in Bicol. My mom would definitely grab some pants for me to wear with this not that I still have guts to wear this stuff now :( 
Finally done, I was shocked to see my aunt (my mom eldest and only sister) on the pile doing the paperwork for herself and still had fresh bandage and dextrose needle marks on her arms since she was a patient too in the same hospital but she was admitted Monday of that week. She said she wanted to rush things so she can get out that day and no one in her family could help her fix that. If only she told me I would have just do that as well for her since I'll be processing it also for my mom but too late for that. So I left her still waiting in the line and hoping that I'll still be able to go to Goa to had this papers signed by my mom's employer. It was 3:00pm and it will take me 2 hours to be in Goa but the problem is the last trip going back to Naga is 4:00pm so it's not possible to go there that late. And as I was heading out PhilHealth's office in Magsaysay I happened to recognized someone I knew too well heading out too and yes I was correct it was one of my best-friends in high school. A little chit-chat there and off we go separate ways again.

Marijo with her son.
Yup she had 2 sons now but why is it I look more like I had been preggy compare to her? Life's unfair... grrr...
Back at the hospital... nothing to do. My mom as usual watching her only channel so cable is pretty useless for her. I'm not too fond of TV now and given that the room TV was too small and only showing 2 or 3 distinctive colors made it more uninteresting for me. With the A/C set in fan since my mom still feeling extra cold it makes it impossible for me to sleep adding the TV sounds as a nuisance and the fact that the sofa can barely accommodate all of me.

This is a proof that the world isn't built for plus size people like me.  Reality check: it isn't too accommodating  and welcoming yet because plus size means extra everything mostly view it in a negative way and that's sad. :(
 So I spent the rest of my hours writing for my blog entries that I will post once I get back home. Yes, there is no wi-fi or net connection and I didn't want to use my broadband since it makes me more impatient than satisfied with its speed so I won't bother with that, I'd rather have no net than use it. I was able to write few stuff and however it was difficult to sleep I had to force myself or else I'll be a walking vegetable with a heavy floating head in the morning where I needed to fix some important things and thankfully I dozed off.

Started the day at 4:00 am and my mom was already demanding me to take a bath and go to Goa. Being too early in any appointment is her thing and I don't agree with that I used to be late almost everyday of my life with the exceptions of very important appointments but now I just want to be on time, not late and not early just right on the dot and we argue a lot about that. Well, that's just the many differences we have mainly in our point of views.

I told her I'm going to her boss' house and being too early would be too much and 6:00 am would mean disturbing them, 8:00 am would be fine though.

Blah, blah, blah...

Even regular office hours imposed 8:00am as a start of a working day. (I wanted to add you're making me work out of regular office hours and it's still in the wee hours it's just 4:00am, it isn't proper it is slaving but better not or else maybe the oxygen tank near her would fall on my face if I did ever utter those words.) But I know it's wrong too for me to make her angry that early plus she's sick and we are actually in a hospital so that makes me a very bad daughter so I've always been no matter what I do but we are at peace now and I don't want to jeopardize our relationship just because of this petty things.

At 5:00am I'm all dressed (but not dressy I only brought home clothes for this event... tsk.tsk.) and I'm thankful that she's okay now with how casual I am. I was even surprised that I heard her said my clothes are fine even though I am insisting that I don't look too decent facing her boss. No matter how casual I prefer my clothes are I still know how to dress up for any occasion and an extra large shirt and men's walking shorts plus slippers aren't too appropriate for this but she was too eager for me to finish all the paperwork so I went to Goa looking like that anyways.

I had committed 2 stupidities in 12 hours time-frame and the first one had been while on my way to Goa (see another post)

I was thankful enough that my mom sent me there. I've seen 2 pretty simple houses and met 2 real people...


That's a pretty fountain with a fish pond.
Pillars at the back: That's something isn't it?

Too bad no one is making this a permanent home now. 

 

The rocking chair reminds me of Tatay Andres (mom's father) and the garden, I miss Lola Lydia. She used to have beautiful variety of flowers in her lawn way back when she's alive.

I wasn't able to take a picture of the front view of the other house since I took all of these discretely and I will not post pictures of them here since it would be too much for their privacy since she's a campus dean of the main branch of the university where my mom is a professor in another campus and I was too shy to ask permission about these.

I found my mom's dean cleaning her wide garden and I was introduced to her husband both wearing home clothes so I didn't get any degrading looks that I came there not too presentable, nothing like that. They are nice and real as they can be and I am glad of being there that day.


Last visit from Dr. Tormes: We are always thankful for taking care of all of us whenever  we need help.
A visit from Ma'am Bel and her husband.
(She's responsible for my free food pickled things, kakanin, home-made sardines, etc. and I asked permission to post this photo here though she was surprised how I was able to get it without them knowing it)
They brought this but they never mentioned it. I just realized that it's there when we were already packing our things. Thank you for your kindness and thoughtfulness as always.

Rushed things so we can get out of this money-sucking institution...
Photocopied lab results...

2nd stupidity of the day goes here... (see other post)

Some more medicines... it's cheaper to buy it outside the hospital.
 



Met a former classmate in college and her mom outside Bigg's Centro. This is actually the guy in Kasta Ng Kung Kasta under the code name Ivan. He's not aware of the story but he's fully aware of this picture but wasn't too approving as you can see. 

I didn't take this for that purpose well, he's a friend too so just for souvenir we rarely bump into each other these past few years same with Marijo. 


Got mom's goto in Bigg's and my tofu and buchi from Chowking 
so off to the next stop...
Withdraw some in an ATM for hospital bills
San Francisco Church at night just across the side of Metrobank
All our bags are packed we're ready to go... ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪♪  (singing Leaving on a Jet Plane)

Checking if her car is still in the parking lot... tsk.tsk. 

Dinner's done: wheel chair please.
Zoom we go...
Yey... we're out of here! Folks we paid the bills we didn't get out through the fire exit.
March 19, quarter to 11:00 pm, I was able to post this status message in fb:
‎2hours more to exactly 48 hours of being in the hospital but we're lucky my mom is ok now just a major UTI. she's sleeping in her bed now and i had finished unpacking and so we're home and I'm back online. All thanks and praise to God :) and to Dra. Tormes for taking care of mama.
And that's all because of a major Urinary Tract Infection (UTI) and I'd never knew that it could be worst like this since I had this also before and I haven't felt anything like I am sick and just taken some purple antibiotics prescribed by a doctor when I was hired for my first teaching job. Well my mom is diabetic too maybe that made it worst. But I'm really glad that she's all fine now in fact she had car-washed on her own her left over vomits the morning after we went out of the hospital: for the love of her car and being too thrifty or maybe she's just so industrious compare to me coz if it were me I'll just send that to a carwash shop :)


(Note: Still working on other posts related to this... follow up for 2 stupid things and Money Seton Hospital.)



ang labot baw…
tano igdi sa dagang hababaw
mayong ibang nahihiling kundi ang labaw
binabangut-bangutan, iniibahan pa nin sabaw.
laki
bayi
magpakalalaki
magpakababae
mayo kang padumanan
gabos nalalabutan.
sara-saraon
bara-basbasan
tama-tamaon
pagparapandayan
dae ka na magpagal
ta pareho man lang ang kaluluwasan
laki
bayi
magpakalalaki
magpakababae
dae ko aram, penoy man balot
pero maorag talaga kitang maghanap nin labot.


(photo credit)


101 Truths About Me: #3 My being single is a choice.

I grew up wanting to be a priest so I served in our church as a lector and spent most of my days learning to be one but when I was 10 years old I realized it is impossible for priesthood is for males but I can be a nun instead said the priest but I told him I didn't want to be a nun because I don't have much knowledge of what they do and I wanted to conduct masses and give sermons and nuns don't do that.

When I was in high school my favorite teacher in Values Education had resigned on teaching to become a nun and I finally decided that I wanted to be one too but I just kept it inside and I had lived a normal high school life. A rebel teachers may say and a pain-in-the-ass student. I didn't attend classes regularly and usually I just show up to take examinations but I've managed to pass along with everybody in the class so no worries. I was as normal as can be while keeping a secret on a calling that I had. No one would believe me if ever I told them so better just keep it and enjoy being a teen.

Our family had a rule that no one is allowed to be in a relationship while we are still studying so I followed it because of fear and respect for them. My sisters however had broken that rule but it went fine and they've been allowed when my mom discovered it but my late grandma had always been opposed to that but they can't do anything since my sisters are that stubborn. In my case, I was thinking had I known it would be fine to break that rule would have I go for it? Maybe but I don't think so. I was more interested in a lot of things rather than having a boyfriend and I do think they are just distractions for the the things I love to do. I do have crushes and I had fallen in love those time but boys are just a past time, something my friends like to talk when there's nothing left to talk about or something just to make a day a little out of ordinary. Men had never been the center of my life except my dad.

I was a feminist and I am still but I'm never a man-hater in fact I used to be one of the boys and most of the time in high school I love hanging out with them that's why I knew how boys really are both the good and bad things about them as I also grew up very close to three male cousins.

During my 2nd year in college there are congregations of nuns who visited our school and I had pick one because of a pretty habit, in turns out to be Dominicans. With that reasoning I set aside that calling for I know it isn't much real since I don't have much purpose of joining them but after my younger sister died and during her 2nd day of wake I had filled out an application letter to Paulines and when my mom and aunt had been informed by a nun who accompanied me and visit my sister in the chapel they did not approve of it. They sent me to Manila instead hoping I'll change my mind when I am there.

From then on I had been in different places because of different jobs but even with a busy life when I reflect I still wanted to be in that congregation but after my depression I had been the laziest of people and now I realized I can't be in there. I won't pass the novice stage where you have to wash tons of dishes, scrape the floor and other dirty jobs included. I am not domesticated and I am as stubborn as hell. I love to question anything and everything and no one can make me just follow everything even the bible passage I scrutinize it. I still can't get the answer why my godmother in my baptism had went out the congregation and enter a different religion after. And other controversies inside the church are disturbing me so now I am done and settled that I don't want to be a part of that.

So yes,

In life, there are three (3) callings or vocations:

1. religious calling


2. single blessedness


3. married life



#1 is down but I am still in #2. Along with the decision of being a nun in high school, it goes with single blessedness as a back-up or a fall down. And this is actually the strongest of all calling in my being. Even though I had been socially active and loves to mingle with friends I had always been a loner too. I enjoy a lot of alone time as much as I enjoy being with people and the idea of marriage is actually threatening that personal space I always want to keep.


I am a workaholic too or whenever I am into something that makes me happy I actually forget everything especially having a love life and yes it is the last thing in my mind. I don't really care of what people might think or say about me being single up to this day because I am enjoying my life. 


My family is actually pushing me to find someone and get married but I am more interested of having twins rather than getting married not that I am willing to be pregnant out of wedlock. I am catholic and it is something I wouldn't do. Not that I care of being judged by others but I worry more of what myself would think about me committing such immorality. (It's kinda sad that it seems people are accepting this now, it is still wrong even if a lot of people is doing it. Frequency and acceptance doesn't make it right. It makes me frown that I have to put up everyday with random people telling straight to my face I am fat but no one really want to stick it up how bad it is to do those other things. No one actually had come out and said "Hey, you... you're immoral." So it seems it is more unacceptable to be fat these days and people aren't too forgiving on that... don't you think so?

But just to be fair and give myself the options and chances I deserve I am opening myself to other possibilities  and being in a dating site is the least I can do about it. We never know, maybe God has something different planned for me more than what I settled for myself. But up to this very moment single blessedness, it is. That's why I refer this as "crazy thing called love" because if it's real for sure it will find a way to my reasoning and it will find its path towards me but all within His time. Either way it ends I'm fine with it.


(photo credit)

If finding love becomes the focus of a young girl’s life, she finds a house full of kids before her time. If finding love is never important, she often finds a career and seldom loves. If finding love is a thought but not an obsession, it is found and then, it is appreciated.  ~ Anonymous ~ 



My hometown is a place called neverland
There I’ve met someone called Peter Pan
Have you seen his Tinkerbelle?
Oh, how lovely she is with her little wings.
Beauty at its best;
The forest, the fairies and all the rest.
Everything is a tune of hope
Everyone is a magical loop.
I am different in some sort of way
But they embraced me like I’m special anyway.
We hide and fly to the highest sky
Without anything to bother our playful minds.
Dreams are all it is for the ones who halt the phase
Grown ups they all become with a weary face
Wendy left the place to meet with someone else
Hook forgot it was a game and he’s just there to tease.    
Today, I am in a bridge
A string that draws me in the middle of a stage
Midgard and Neverland
I’m here in my own land.
Time has come I have to choose just one
I hate to go and hear it is done
Like there’s never a land
Such as Neverland.




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