Speckles n Spectrum

ang totoo

takot

(photo credit)

ano yan?

wala ako niyan

bakit ako matatakot?

ano ba ang dapat katakutan?

wala naman di ba?

ayoko lang masaktan

ayokong lumuha dahil wala na akong iluluha

sobra kasi akong lumuha

ayokong magmukhang tanga

dahil dati na akong tanga

matagal ng nagpapakatanga

ayoko ng magmahal

dahil wala namang magmamahal

pero habambuhay pa ring nagmamahal

ayoko ng mangarap

dahil wala namang patutunguhan

araw araw kung pangarap

ayoko ng magsalita

dahil wala namang nakikinig

minu-minuto kong ibinubulong

ayoko ng makialam

dahil lahat naman walang pakialam

walang oras na hindi nakikiramdam

ayoko

dahil takot ako

takot pala ako

takot ako sa mundo

takot ako sa kanila

takot ako saiyo

hindi

takot ako sa sarili ko!

I was bored maybe not really but I wanted to do something else rather than sit or stretch-out talking to my laptop and I happened to notice my favorite book decomposing in the little corner of my jungle, yeah I call my room that since it looks like a wild forest anyways. I was sorry to see that the back cover had been rip-out thanks to my sisters who just happened to eyed it for awhile (hmmm, they don't even like to read for pleasure they read things because they need it for school but then I did their papers and projects most of the time so I know for a fact that they haven't read one book from cover to cover) so maybe this book is really interesting that they both have to borrow it and carry it almost everyday for a week I guess, and showing it to their friends.

I'm glad that they love my book and are actually reading for pleasure you don't know how much I wish there's someone in my immediate family who share the same hobbies with me so we can exchange ideas and have time for philosophizing. Don't get me wrong my sisters are intelligent and excel in school (but they have very different interests compare to me) in fact they have way better grades than me (our youngest graduated Cum Laude and my late sis was almost into it missing only a few points) while I can't even get an A because of excessive absences and constantly showing up more than 30 minutes late if ever I am not absent for that day. But that's another story for me to tell maybe one day I'll write about the reasons behind it if I found the mood for it :) Well, I am still proud to say that we were all scholars for all the 4 years we stayed in college except my late sister who chose to drop out of her full scholarship for her 3rd year because she had changed her mind on what to major in (that only her can do, it's impractical and selfish given that my mom is raising us single-handedly and it was the same year when all the 3 of us were in the same University but I envy her because I've been wanting to do that too but was never allowed, sure favoritism runs in the family, you can actually say that but parents for all we know would always deny that fact even with all the evidence.)

My father loves to read newspapers and magazines and that's what we did everyday on his days in the hospital and I got the love for reading through him and his father Lolo Omat had been an inspiration too. He was a typist for the guerrilla during the Japanese time and worked as a notary public. He had a collection of Reader's Digest dated 1962 as far as I could remember and I used to spend my free time reading those when I was 6. After he died I was hoping to keep his Olympia typewriter and his book collections especially the digests but well I got the digests after the typhoon and the house were flooded  and my mom thought they're all garbage even if some of it were still readable and so I wasn't allowed to take them home but I've sneaked and kept some then it was thrown (maybe given away, I'm not sure) later on when we moved to a different town when she had discovered it along with my paintings.

My mother was a little odd, she's a professor and she taught us how to read and require us to read but now that I am all grown-up and I love reading and made it as a hobby I often hear her complain about it and about my spending money on books and yet she's not saying anything about my younger sister's splurge on clothes, and what about her fetish for bags and shoes, isn't it unusual? And yes she doesn't love to read like my 2 siblings. The four of us are opposites when it comes to reading. The 3 of them reads because it is required while I read because I just love reading but I actually love to read things that aren't school related or academic. I love learning but I'm not into studying.

As I was saying, my sisters had borrowed my book without permission but when I saw that they were bringing it to school I didn't say anything I'm fine with it: them reading my books but sure they could have asked first. Anyways, as careless as they were after a week or so I've seen my book dumped in a corner and yes dilapidated... arrgh! At that time I was such a neat-freak, I always take good care of my things especially my books because I wanted them to last but you can't seem to make it possible with untidy and careless people living in the same roof who just like getting things as if they own everything and dumps it whenever they're done with it.

I love this book so much because every time I read it  it makes me smile and it makes me think. It inspires me a lot even up to this day. This is the only book that I've read more than 20 times and I won't get tired reading it over and over and that comes from me who never read a book twice. I used to put this underneath my pillow because it's the first and last thing that I read everyday, it used to be The Bible but well, change of interests had caused it. As it says, enough of truth searching, it's time for a fantasy.


I've found this book in just the right time as it says in its title: I Have Abandoned My Search for Truth, and Am Now Looking for A Good Fantasy. Yes I was actually looking forward for the good things of the future and was done of searching for my truth so good one. (Actually it was my friend Cecile who found this while we were rummaging the pile of books on sale in Master Square (a used to be famous sort of like a mini-mall in our town until the big malls went into business here) and she gave it to me so I bought it for the cheapest price P25.00 and it was the best and most compensated peso I've ever spent. So I wasn't really splurging on books since I'm getting them through book-sale but when I was already working I had a membership with Powerbooks in Greenbelt and yeah, I've been a shopaholic and spent all my money for clothes, shoes and mostly books and women's magazines that my friends had borrowed and well never did returned and that's 2 stupid things again for me, all charge to experience.

I can relate much with the author: Ashleigh Brilliant was from a lower-middle class (just like me) but lives in London and California for the later part of his life. He's a professor and I was (I used to teach in a State College)  and he actually made me realized or put into words why I used to despise my real name.

 "as a child I hated Ashleigh Ellwood for some obscure and sensitive family reason. I was never called by either of these names, except in anger."  --- Ashleigh Brilliant

And I love this author for the most part because he inspires me a lot to think and to write more. I love quotations, idioms, poetry or anything that involves playing of words that's why I was also addicted to scrabble when I was a child. My first few weeks reading this book over and over left my mind running full time there were nights that I have to wake up in wee hours just to write a pot-shot. I've written tons and I've written most of it at twilight with me holding a flashlight so my mother won't notice that I was still up. But sad to say I don't know where were my pot-shots it may have been included on my things my mom burnt along with the trash, tsk,tsk.

Oh, I wasn't able to mention that this isn't some novel book, it is a graphical book sort of like a comic book. It is a collection of epigram and the author called it POT-SHOT. And these are the 2 important rules in composing it:

1. no Pot-shot may exceed 17 words
2. the words and expressions used must be understood as easily as possible, by the widest possible range of people, with no impediment (such as rhyme, puns, or idioms) to translation into other languages  

Here's a few of my favorite pot-shots:

I used to say this when someone touches my hair "you ruin my already ruined hair" coined from this.

Me 2006

As I was wondering why someone using myspace mobile ended up in my blog from a direct link when I haven't even visited myspace for a long time now so to check I reopen my account and found out that I've linked my twitter to it thus it's being updated through that. I noticed that a slideshow I made in 2006 consisting mostly my photos of my last year in college is still existing and working properly fine in the sidebar of my profile unlike in friendster it was a deadlink now. Excited to get a copy of that so I went to slide and I'm glad that I was able to open my account on it with a few tries guessing my email and password for it. And here it is now I thought it would be nice to have a copy of it in my blog. Bear with me with the photo quality most of these are taken through ancient webcam but that's totally new when we bought it worth P3000.00 in 2003 (of course) I haven't edited it this is how it was originally made, cute for a college but the pink bubbles are actually annoying me now, so tempting to edit it but Nah, it would defeat the purpose of it as a memento of how I was and what I was like those years. Now click to play :)

(photo credit)