Speckles n Spectrum

back to basics seemingly-banal adventures of an eclectic modern muser...

"Learning from the Past, Hopes for the Future, and a Life's Journey of making the most of what's at hand."

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101 Truths About Me: #1 I have skeletons in my closet.

I had been in a series of mild depression. Most people I know would actually hide this information for the fear of being judged, feared, hated and losing important people in their lives. It was actually everyone's reaction to that and I'm not spared from that idea but now after dealing and battling with it I can proudly say that I am triumphant of conquering it. And I am spilling the beans for everyone to know that it isn't the end of one's dreams or happiness, it is just the start of a better present and a fuller promising tomorrow.

This confession is also for the purpose of checking who's who and who's not of the people I know who would actually still keep me as their friend. This illness that I had is actually a blessing in disguise and every misfortunes I had I considered it just as that, trials that are meant to solidify my soul. It had helped me realized that it is actually my family that will always exist and be there in the hardest times of our lives and a few friends too. It had open me to a lot of realization and a lot of things that I should be thankful for experiencing this. It was indeed just a trial, the hardest one and I know that I actually passed with flying colors for it made my faith stronger and my family closer. It had mend problem spots and led us of being more open to each other and all my secrets had been out and they still love me despite of everything. Plus everyone learned how to truly compromise.

I actually had a few friends that are ignoring me now and I'm not sure if it is about this issue. I'd tried to talk to them but I don't get a reply and I figured if they actually want to still be friends with me they will talk to me in time with their own freewill. Well, that is if they still do but if not then okay fine with me, it was nice to be friends and to be a part of their lives once in my lifetime but if they can't accept me now just because of this stupid reason then Bye, Bye... it's good riddance. I don't really need a good-time friends (someone who just show-up during good times or if they need something from you) I want someone that is true and will stick through thick and thin. I don't really care if there would only be one left beyond the hundreds but it is better than have thousands that are all fakes. Walking Tupperwares so to describe.

I had never thought that I will actually suffer from this since I knew for a fact that I can handle my emotions well but during half of the year 2005 personal problems on top of other skeletons in my closet had been into the point that had made me lose all hopes of living my own life and getting my freedom, choosing what I really wanted to do with my life was the greatest wish I had for years since high school but all hopes for that died with someone still being in-charge for all my paths toward my future. At the 3rd quarter of that year the word depression on its worst and truest form took over my life. Before it had set-in I already asked for help from a Guidance Counselor from my alma mater for I was aware that I am actually at the brink of something more serious than being troubled and sad and disappointed on how my life had turned out which left me feeling being in a cage but no one actually took my cry for help as serious as they should be maybe it's for the fact that people knew me as someone really outgoing, jolly and very in-control of her emotions. I was still able to took the Licensure Examination For Teachers (LET) and passed it slightly above the 80% mark and almost made it to the Regional Top 10 missing just 1% from the person who had the 10th spot. And I had 2 more entrance examinations that I took and passed within the same year: Philippine National Police (PNP) and Philippine National Police Academy (PNPA) and yes, I actually wanted to be a Police Officer but my original plan was to enter Philippine Military Academy (PMA) or Maritime Academy of Asia and the Pacific (MAAP) or if that's too much for them since my grandma said Engineering is for men (so conservative) I was opting for University of the Philippines (UP) to take up BS Bio or Journalism right after high school but had never been allowed to decide for myself. So no one outside the family actually noticed it because I was functioning and doing my best to cope with it that I was still able to attend all social events where I am needed.

It had been on and off for the past few years but finally now I am over it. I had a batch mate, in fact one of my classmates in the University had the same problems with me and she had experienced the worst compare to me because from what I heard she had actually had a nervous breakdown while at work and show all weird stuff and actions while teaching and our common supervisor from a previous job where she had worked before I did told me that she is crazy and some other people with reputable jobs that she had worked with had the same information about her... it seems everyone knew it and there are too much evidence for her illness and yet when I happened to talk to her about it and how she had deal with it because it seems she's also okay now, she had actually denied all of it and I wasn't able to grasp even a lousy excuse for all the strange behaviors everyone was talking about her. So typical, so pinoy, so afraid of rejection even if I was actually telling her all the stuff that I had experienced conquering it and mind you we're actually on a long line to a movie in the biggest mall here (Well, people don't really care about it they are all busy with their own chitchats). But I was urging her to speak out her mind for I am freely doing it. I'm not saying that she should also blog about it because maybe it's not her personality and she might be a very private person but I was just asking her to admit it for maybe we can help each other out about this but changing the topic and asking more about my experience about it was all I got. Well for me talking about it only means that you are out of it, it shows how good you have coped up against it and I am pretty healed in all aspects that's why I am blogging about this.

For every problems be it a simple one, heartbroken or a serious illness you need to actually accept it for you to live your life free with all bonds that were grasping you before and if you are always in the denial stage especially for a case of depression I really don't know what to think because probably you are still in a limbo, living in an imaginary world you've built inside your brains. And if for you in yourself cannot accept that fact, imagine who else would? And it's not healthy to keep a lie as serious as this for your lifetime you might end up in an assylum for real for the rest of it and that's much trouble than simply accepting the truth and living a healthy free life.

That's why I have this 2 mottos:

1. Live and let live.
2. If you like me "Thank You,"
   If you hate me "F*** You."

Take it or leave it. I will never force anybody in any ways.

It's better to let it out now than be sorry later :)
(photo credit)

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