Speckles n Spectrum

Hey, Pa. If I had a baby that year s/he will be 12 years old by now and probably graduating from elementary, might have been something to celebrate right? But no we're not that kind of teens in spite of not growing up with a complete family because you have to leave before we even get to truly understand the meaning of "life."

Life has been pretty tough since. It was a rocky road and I wish it was delicious as an ice cream haha but it wasn't. So you might ask what's up? Hmmm, nothing much. I'm still that kid who learned the word stubborn when I was in Grade 2 because it was written in red ink at the back of my report card. Sweet right? Haha

I still miss those days because you were the only one who can actually laugh with me and my mistakes. I can break things and take it as if it was nothing making me feel I'm more important than that piece of glassware. (I still have that scar in one of my fingers that reminds me how you've offered to continue washing the dishes after I was wounded by a broken glass.)

I'm not saying good things about you because you're already gone. You know I'm not that kind of person. I won't lie just because you're already dead. I'm not into a game of impressing the living so why would I do things to please the departed? Silly right?

We had bad times too. In fact I clearly remember that you rarely get angry. It was a once a year event at most and I'm the lucky one who always get to celebrate it with a few strokes of real leather belt on my behind. And we know if you're pissed when we hear the keyword "sinvergüenza" followed by few bicol curses. 

We even argue once because of that shirt you're wearing in this photo. I was 10 years old and growing to be boyish and starting to lend your shirts. I argue that it has pink on it so girls can wear it too. I won and I'm pretty sure not because you bought my argument  =)

But you know all of that and perhaps everything about us since probably you're up there watching us make a damn mess in this world. So really what's up with me finally writing about this dreaded topic? It's been years and you know what I guess I am finally free. I'm even surprise because this year it feels so good to be true.

Last year I wasn't able to think about it because we were all busy with the souvenir shop/cofitti and resto. I guess that's my gift from Virgen de Peñafrancia on her tercentenary year: peace of mind. I've been busy dealing with other stuff that I skipped the melancholy brought by September in 2010. I didn't have time to sit and day dream with a misty eye while listening to that Luther Vandross' song.

Quite the same thing happened this June on your death anniversary. I got busy with stuff and the next thing I knew I slept through the whole day. Then here's your birthday you're 57 by now, old man... haha

And you know what Pa? It's amazing to still be here after years of losing you and realizing that for this year it's going to be different from the rest for I finally let go. I no longer pray the same stuff. My litanies aren't wishful thinking and my day dreams are no longer the old what ifs. Finally I'm living in the present tense. I won't lie, I still cry when I think about you and I can't promise to keep my eyes dry whenever you pop in my head but it's now tears of joy, of remembering, and reliving the memories.

I can't still see the bigger picture of His decision of claiming you too early but I'm more optimistic and open to the idea that whatever His reasons might be something for the better.

But hey, stop right there. Do you all really think I'm that super duper mega stubborn that I needed to get through all these initiations to get pass life on earth? As if I wanted to go to your so called heaven haha

Life is a freak but well, sorry life for I am freakier than you. Gotcha!

-------------------------

I got this song we loved to listen to during my grade school years. Sorry I lost the cassette tape I don't know why of all tapes Matt Monro's album is missing while Vina Morales and the Cha-Cha tapes are still here, shame.

I guess this song speaks a lot about you and the things that remind me of you. These are the stuff that made up my ideals too. Thanks for everything and sorry I'm not the type to make promises for I think promises are made to be broken and I'm forgetful and fickle which makes it more difficult. But I know for sure that's fine with you because you've always been very accepting of who we are.

So long Pa, I'm just here being myself. I know that's good enough. I don't need fireworks or anything to make you appreciate the rest of me. You've been with us for only a short span but you were able to give us what some people might take more than a lifetime to accomplish. You're not the teacher yet you've given us the most wonderful lessons without being aware that you did. You don't impose or force, you gave us freewill and had always asked, "Ano ang gusto mo nene?" You made us feel what love truly is, we don't need to sacrifice anything to earn it because you've given it for free and unconditionally.

Ma said you're the sosy type, you're spoiled and your hands were too soft for a man which in layman's term "lazy." (I do get the same comments about my hands (which I think is too shallow for people to conclude laziness by just basing on the softness of your hands because I too do household chores for am closer to being poor than being a princess) but I'd like to ask: Is loving household chores the sole basis of being industrious? If it was my, why did I wasted my time going to school if everyone just wanted us to perfect dish washing and doing the laundry? Ha ha, sorry stupid thoughts again. Well, I went to school so I can find something to do that doesn't involve scrubbing the tiles all the time. Though I wouldn't mind doing it once a year haha)

Seriously, I don't care I'm not blind and I know of course that every person has their negative traits but yours simply drowned in the long list of distinctive good things:

• you're the most down to earth person I've known
• you give the last of your centavo even to strangers who knock even on the wee hours
• you're a friend to all that even little kids admire you
• you're loyal and faithful that even if girls drool you simply tease your way out
• you're the easiest to please for your joys were of simple things

 and there's quite a list but I'm going to cut it here before you yell out your magic word =)

It's been a while I just wanted to say hi to my blog that's feeling neglected at the moment by its owner. =)

I'm quite busy lately doing some stuff and I've tons of photos already that just needed some write-ups which I'm pretty lame to do at the moment. Truly blogging needs focus which I can't afford right now because my mind is cartwheeling these days.

I finally decided that I'm done with experimenting so it's time to move on and start acting like a real grown-up. The happy-go-lucky-days should have to end soon as well as the idealism and the worst of altruism. I've to be practical and touch-base with reality. We can't have everything for free and in this lifetime we need to work our ass off since not everyone is born with silver spoon in their mouth and I'm definitely not one of those lucky few. But I'm grateful to have the things most necessary and a bit of the whims.

"Let's tell the truth to people. When people ask, 'How are you?' have the nerve sometimes to answer truthfully. You must know, however, that people will start avoiding you because, they, too, have knees that pain them and heads that hurt and they don't want to know about yours. But think of it this way: If people avoid you, you will have more time to meditate and do fine research on a cure for whatever truly afflicts you." — Maya Angelou (Letter to My Daughter)

The way my mind runs is peculiar to most. I guess if thoughts are spinning mine goes counter-clockwise and chaotic. I actually do stupid things because I don't want to make those when I'm old. I'm still young I know I can still afford to be stupid and irresponsible and, get away with bad choices since I'm still learning and gaining insights. I don't want to reach 60 and look back full of regrets of not being able to experience life the way young people should. I don't want to retrogress at that time for the sake of fulfilling past fixations.

"Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes." — Mahatma Gandhi

A lot of people who's expecting more from me are already being disappointed because of my luck of ambition. Telling me if only I've stayed longer or started earlier, done this, done that I should be someone significant now, somewhere doing something socially acceptable and praise-worthy. Even new friends tell me that I can do better and I know they're right but my premise is: If everyone wanted to be on top then who would stay at the bottom to hold the ladder? Or if everyone wanted to be the President then who would sweep the floor? Hmm certainly not me but I'm pretty sure I wanted to do something else on my own. According to T. S. Eliot: "Success is relative. It is what we can make of the mess we have made of things." And I do I like to keep things simple. I simply just want a life where I can be free doing what I like with or without recognition. But I won't be coy and say that genuine compliments or even a shoulder pat won't make a difference.

I have fancied myself a rebel, but at every critical moment of my life, I have been exactly the child my parents raised.  ~Robert Brault

The truth of the matter is I've never really been stagnant for the last years and I won't even use being depressed as an excuse. Let's just say I've been into a secret mission of soul searching and real life experiments which is more like an immersion. The last one I call it The Zero Pride Management and along with that I know I've been the most irresponsible kid for wanting to experience first The Retirement Life before I actually jump into a real lifelong career.  It's a product of a twisted mind but I guess in my case: it had worked. But I am not saying that it is the right thing to do for I can never truly justify delaying to be useful and to be of help because of self-centered ideals in any court and it's one of the mistakes I am guilty of.

"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first." ---  Ernestine Ulmer 

All I can say is that now I know how it was like to be empty-handed, to lose pride, to be degraded at its worst, treated like an imbecile and, sitting at the lowest of either the caste system or the totem pole or whatever hierarchy this discriminating society has. (I guess I'm being emotional that I'm kinda exaggerating this. Please pardon me, it's touching a sensitive side too personal to express.)

But then I know now too how peaceful life can be without obsessing into earthly things like material wealth or titles. Suddenly, you become more humble, fulfillment comes easy while your expectations become manageable, you appreciate every little acts of kindness, you value more relationships and people who still treat you nicely despite your shortcomings, you're grateful for even the littlest things and, you start to realize that you've been blessed a lot every time you wake up into a bright new day.

Now I am ready to get back on track with the hard-earned lessons:

• No one has the right to treat anyone worst just because they thought they're far better because if they were actually they should know that, Better people don't treat anyone less than they expect to be treated themselves.  

You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.  

~James D. Miles

• Money isn't everything but I have to tell my dumb brain to stop being exaggeratedly altruistic because I need some to put food on the table. 

• Problems are blessings. They are meant to exercise all facets of being.

"I know God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much." 

— Mother Teresa

• It is really possible to have more when you have nothing.

“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company… a church… a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past… we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you… we are in charge of our Attitudes.”

• Not everyone is alike. People have different reasons and motivations for doing things so we must always give the benefit of a doubt. Be open-minded, you may be hurt but it's not right to hate the world for few bad apples you met along the journey.

"You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is like an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty." — Mahatma Gandhi

I know I still have a lot more things to learn I'm not even halfway there and time will never stop and wait for me while am getting ready; it was my choice then to run on my own pace that's why I know I am never left behind. (While some people are busy meddling with someone else's business and trying to race with one another; playing survivor: outwit, outplay, outlast everyone in the game I was busy competing with myself.) That's why I know I'm just right on time the way it was meant to be for everything happens for a reason according to will and for that I can never complain. All I can do is to stand up as fast as I can every time I stumble.

Everyday is a battle and the world is an arena it's just a matter of choice how you're going to fight. Will it be fair and kind, cruel as devil-may-care, or even survival of the fittest? Some play tricks, some get dirty, some act, some think, some just shrug it off, some treat it as a comedy and some a tragedy. I choose to look at things in an optimistic bird's eye-view which brings me to a conclusion that life is good in general and I can't wait to enjoy my retirement days and give back what is due to many an individual who cared for me during the toughest times and no matter what I know I will forever be grateful and in debt for the love and generosity...

Now, it's still a long way down the road so let's just get ready to rumble!

"Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin." — Mother Teresa

Orchidaceae, usually referred to as the Orchid family, is a morphologically diverse and widespread family of monocots in the order Asparagales. It is currently believed to be the largest family of flowering plants with between 21,950 and 26,049 currently accepted species, found in 880 genera.


The name comes from the Greek órkhis, literally means "testicle," because of the shape of the root.The term was introduced in 1845 by John Lindley in School Botany. (orchid wiki)

August yey. It's 30 minutes past 1 in the morning, it's Monday here. I know I'm supposed to have this posted by Sunday but it's Sunday in some parts of the world so it doesn't matter right? Haha

I've been sick for almost 3 days now, colds, runny nose and high fever. I'm feeling awful and I'm glad my mother brought me some seafood to cook because I'm also getting sick eating broccoli and lettuce almost everyday for about 4 months now since she went back from NZ. Didn't I tell you she enjoyed her travel there very much that she wanted to at least do some of the stuff especially the food she ate even back here. Thank goodness because she suddenly appreciates fresh milk, cheeses, pasta and a lot more that I was trying to convinced her to like way back. But broccoli and lettuce everyday is just too much especially it's cook the same way everyday only some other days she had meat, then for some days she uses tofu. It's delicious but because of excessive repetition it's getting bland and tasteless for my taste-buds. I actually have a choice to cook my own food and I do that once in a while.

This shellfish is called Punaw in our language and known as cockles. It's very cheap 1 pack is only 10 pesos, I got 2 packs for this recipe. This is my own rendition of a  family recipe I've learnt to cook when I was a kid so this is really very easy to do and very healthy too.

Speckled Cockles


Extra Virgin Olive Oil
garlic
red onion
Cockles (Punaw)
black pepper
ginger diced
salt
butter
1 ½ cup of water
herbs
3 pcs calamansi



How to mess it up:


1. Make sure to wash and clean the cockles with water then drain afterwards.

Opening of shells means it's cook.

Enjoy best while hot.

* We usually cook this with green papaya but we don't have it available the day I cooked this but still it's pretty delicious and comforting on its own.
* Ginger is essential for it helps eliminate the fishy smell and taste of seafood (according to my mum.)