Speckles n Spectrum

It's been a while since the last entry here, too many things had happened and it's overwhelming and amazing not even me can fathom the reality of life. How it can be all too cruel then the next day it seems it's cuddling you like a baby.

Just like that in a snap my life has changed like a jigsaw puzzle the pieces are falling into pieces. Truly "When it rains it pours." Who would've thought that within a week I'll have that fulfillment I was looking for for way too many years. It strange as it seems but I found it within the same road I was avoiding to take. But then I already knew even then that I wanted to teach but when I'm older and wiser, and no one is forcing me into it and it was surprising that I was ready by this time.

 "One meets his destiny often in the road he takes to avoid it. 

~ French Proverb"

It was really overwhelming. I know by the entries of this blog I can tell that they may assume I was all just making excuses for all those dumb things I've done. Well, I guess it's really hard for some to believe all of these bullshit. I too can't believe all of these myself haha. But here it is that chance for me to prove myself to thy own. I thought I'll never be able to walk this path, pessimistic much eh?

On the day of my birthday this blog got almost 500 visits and am not sure what exactly they are looking for in a stagnant blog, hibernating for a while? I guess something having more sense or exciting perhaps? Well, I really have no clue but here's what I got, I think some truth will do? Probably haha

I guess I was getting bored since I've experienced again the joy of going out this September I finally decided I wanted to work offline since I'm getting tired with online jobs that just come and go and some don't even pay. (Yes, I do work I'm a freelancer actually but some projects are confidential and the money isn't good enough so I just say I'm a parasite to my mum, that's the easiest excuse to avoid explaining haha =) And I've actually intended to be a parasite (makabalos balos lamang haha)

I'll recount the story of my job application here since it was really pretty overwhelming.

October 03, 2011
I wasn't able to get out of the house early because I needed to wait for the alkaline delivery. Probably it's 3pm when I finally reach the HR Office of a certain school here in Naga City. I was applying for the second semester as an English Instructor but she'd asked me if I'm willing to try to demo teach for Basic Culinary Arts. I've explained that I don't have much experience about it and I don't think I'm qualified but she insisted so to make the long story short I walk out of her office expecting for a callback ASAP. I never thought that I'll have the truest meaning of that word As Soon As Possible like Right Now... haha

Going home that day at around 8pm I was surprised to hear the news. My mum said someone called around 5pm and said that I needed to demo teach sharp at 8am the next day. Whoa!

How can you actually do all of that within 12 hours time frame? I was down to start with because my mum kept on trash talking me again. Like "Why did you apply for Culinary? You don't know anything about that? What are you going to teach? You don't have the capability for that? Blah, blah, blah."

Sweet. Like just what I needed frak.

There you go. I'm frakking doing what she wanted, applied for a teaching job and now? Whatever.

To rub it in, adding insult to injury I still asked her if she has some lesson plan samples. As usual blah, blah, blah.

Honestly, the last time I've done a lesson plan was 2006 and the last time I talked in straight English in front of a crowd was 2008, probably (thank God to the nosebleed September that I was able to practice my English haha) . Reviewing what I've used for the demo I wasn't able to include the reference for it and also for the powerpoint presentation, my bad. Well, college don't use lesson plans but for demos you ought to have one.

With my mother on the side telling shitty things... if I were my old self I'll probably just give up, spend 3 days utmost mending my bruised ego until I show up to the world again. But I'm renewed and it comes as a surprised to have all that confidence and courage still intact during that day. 2011 is really amazing, I'm all fix.

When she says "You can't do it." I scream on top of my head "I can and I will, just watch me."
When she says "You're ugly." I dress up, fix myself and get all dolled-up to make her realize she needed to upgrade her glasses.

Well I guess, she had realized it already because for these past few weeks she kept staring at me like I'm a different person. Given the fact she was hiding and locked all her bags, jewelries and threatening to lock her room if I used her shoes again. Choosing for them to rut and wither and get old and dusty rather than just let me use it. As if those are the only things that can make a person pretty, silly.

When she says "You're lazy." Only for you. Exactly. (makabalos balos man lamang haha)

Here's our equation:

0% effort + 100% bumming = 100% trash talk
99% deed - 1% mistake = [100 % trash talk]2

I know you get it, there's something freaking wrong with the equation. Life's like that =)

October 04, 2011
8am: Demo day
I thought they'll never let me in since I don't have all the requirements to teach the subject.
8pm: Went home again and I told my mum that the demo was fine but I need some TESDA qualifying exams to get hired and she was like "sabi ko na, sabi ko na." Then said they texted her and I was supposed to report at 3pm that day to complete the hiring process if ever I'm willing to accept the job offer.

It was crazy then my mum started trash talking again as if it will still work. From that day on I knew she no longer controls me. I can't be sabotaged by her pessimistic views, not that day, not today, not ever.

I remember one of my college professors told me that I am "lazy but brilliant." I beg to differ the truth is it should be "disturb but brilliant." Oh well, it wasn't the lazy part that's bothering me, twas the brilliant part. I'm just fine, good may be, whatever.

October 05, 2011
8am: I'm hired... wee
4pm: First laboratory class and the rest is history =)

It's October already and I only got 2 entries last September. I kinda decided to slack on the blogging and switch on my extroverted side even just for a month. (I'll post something about that some other day.)

Hey, Pa. If I had a baby that year s/he will be 12 years old by now and probably graduating from elementary, might have been something to celebrate right? But no we're not that kind of teens in spite of not growing up with a complete family because you have to leave before we even get to truly understand the meaning of "life."

Life has been pretty tough since. It was a rocky road and I wish it was delicious as an ice cream haha but it wasn't. So you might ask what's up? Hmmm, nothing much. I'm still that kid who learned the word stubborn when I was in Grade 2 because it was written in red ink at the back of my report card. Sweet right? Haha

I still miss those days because you were the only one who can actually laugh with me and my mistakes. I can break things and take it as if it was nothing making me feel I'm more important than that piece of glassware. (I still have that scar in one of my fingers that reminds me how you've offered to continue washing the dishes after I was wounded by a broken glass.)

I'm not saying good things about you because you're already gone. You know I'm not that kind of person. I won't lie just because you're already dead. I'm not into a game of impressing the living so why would I do things to please the departed? Silly right?

We had bad times too. In fact I clearly remember that you rarely get angry. It was a once a year event at most and I'm the lucky one who always get to celebrate it with a few strokes of real leather belt on my behind. And we know if you're pissed when we hear the keyword "sinvergüenza" followed by few bicol curses. 

We even argue once because of that shirt you're wearing in this photo. I was 10 years old and growing to be boyish and starting to lend your shirts. I argue that it has pink on it so girls can wear it too. I won and I'm pretty sure not because you bought my argument  =)

But you know all of that and perhaps everything about us since probably you're up there watching us make a damn mess in this world. So really what's up with me finally writing about this dreaded topic? It's been years and you know what I guess I am finally free. I'm even surprise because this year it feels so good to be true.

Last year I wasn't able to think about it because we were all busy with the souvenir shop/cofitti and resto. I guess that's my gift from Virgen de Peñafrancia on her tercentenary year: peace of mind. I've been busy dealing with other stuff that I skipped the melancholy brought by September in 2010. I didn't have time to sit and day dream with a misty eye while listening to that Luther Vandross' song.

Quite the same thing happened this June on your death anniversary. I got busy with stuff and the next thing I knew I slept through the whole day. Then here's your birthday you're 57 by now, old man... haha

And you know what Pa? It's amazing to still be here after years of losing you and realizing that for this year it's going to be different from the rest for I finally let go. I no longer pray the same stuff. My litanies aren't wishful thinking and my day dreams are no longer the old what ifs. Finally I'm living in the present tense. I won't lie, I still cry when I think about you and I can't promise to keep my eyes dry whenever you pop in my head but it's now tears of joy, of remembering, and reliving the memories.

I can't still see the bigger picture of His decision of claiming you too early but I'm more optimistic and open to the idea that whatever His reasons might be something for the better.

But hey, stop right there. Do you all really think I'm that super duper mega stubborn that I needed to get through all these initiations to get pass life on earth? As if I wanted to go to your so called heaven haha

Life is a freak but well, sorry life for I am freakier than you. Gotcha!

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I got this song we loved to listen to during my grade school years. Sorry I lost the cassette tape I don't know why of all tapes Matt Monro's album is missing while Vina Morales and the Cha-Cha tapes are still here, shame.

I guess this song speaks a lot about you and the things that remind me of you. These are the stuff that made up my ideals too. Thanks for everything and sorry I'm not the type to make promises for I think promises are made to be broken and I'm forgetful and fickle which makes it more difficult. But I know for sure that's fine with you because you've always been very accepting of who we are.

So long Pa, I'm just here being myself. I know that's good enough. I don't need fireworks or anything to make you appreciate the rest of me. You've been with us for only a short span but you were able to give us what some people might take more than a lifetime to accomplish. You're not the teacher yet you've given us the most wonderful lessons without being aware that you did. You don't impose or force, you gave us freewill and had always asked, "Ano ang gusto mo nene?" You made us feel what love truly is, we don't need to sacrifice anything to earn it because you've given it for free and unconditionally.

Ma said you're the sosy type, you're spoiled and your hands were too soft for a man which in layman's term "lazy." (I do get the same comments about my hands (which I think is too shallow for people to conclude laziness by just basing on the softness of your hands because I too do household chores for am closer to being poor than being a princess) but I'd like to ask: Is loving household chores the sole basis of being industrious? If it was my, why did I wasted my time going to school if everyone just wanted us to perfect dish washing and doing the laundry? Ha ha, sorry stupid thoughts again. Well, I went to school so I can find something to do that doesn't involve scrubbing the tiles all the time. Though I wouldn't mind doing it once a year haha)

Seriously, I don't care I'm not blind and I know of course that every person has their negative traits but yours simply drowned in the long list of distinctive good things:

• you're the most down to earth person I've known
• you give the last of your centavo even to strangers who knock even on the wee hours
• you're a friend to all that even little kids admire you
• you're loyal and faithful that even if girls drool you simply tease your way out
• you're the easiest to please for your joys were of simple things

 and there's quite a list but I'm going to cut it here before you yell out your magic word =)

It's been a while I just wanted to say hi to my blog that's feeling neglected at the moment by its owner. =)

I'm quite busy lately doing some stuff and I've tons of photos already that just needed some write-ups which I'm pretty lame to do at the moment. Truly blogging needs focus which I can't afford right now because my mind is cartwheeling these days.

I finally decided that I'm done with experimenting so it's time to move on and start acting like a real grown-up. The happy-go-lucky-days should have to end soon as well as the idealism and the worst of altruism. I've to be practical and touch-base with reality. We can't have everything for free and in this lifetime we need to work our ass off since not everyone is born with silver spoon in their mouth and I'm definitely not one of those lucky few. But I'm grateful to have the things most necessary and a bit of the whims.

"Let's tell the truth to people. When people ask, 'How are you?' have the nerve sometimes to answer truthfully. You must know, however, that people will start avoiding you because, they, too, have knees that pain them and heads that hurt and they don't want to know about yours. But think of it this way: If people avoid you, you will have more time to meditate and do fine research on a cure for whatever truly afflicts you." — Maya Angelou (Letter to My Daughter)

The way my mind runs is peculiar to most. I guess if thoughts are spinning mine goes counter-clockwise and chaotic. I actually do stupid things because I don't want to make those when I'm old. I'm still young I know I can still afford to be stupid and irresponsible and, get away with bad choices since I'm still learning and gaining insights. I don't want to reach 60 and look back full of regrets of not being able to experience life the way young people should. I don't want to retrogress at that time for the sake of fulfilling past fixations.

"Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes." — Mahatma Gandhi

A lot of people who's expecting more from me are already being disappointed because of my luck of ambition. Telling me if only I've stayed longer or started earlier, done this, done that I should be someone significant now, somewhere doing something socially acceptable and praise-worthy. Even new friends tell me that I can do better and I know they're right but my premise is: If everyone wanted to be on top then who would stay at the bottom to hold the ladder? Or if everyone wanted to be the President then who would sweep the floor? Hmm certainly not me but I'm pretty sure I wanted to do something else on my own. According to T. S. Eliot: "Success is relative. It is what we can make of the mess we have made of things." And I do I like to keep things simple. I simply just want a life where I can be free doing what I like with or without recognition. But I won't be coy and say that genuine compliments or even a shoulder pat won't make a difference.

I have fancied myself a rebel, but at every critical moment of my life, I have been exactly the child my parents raised.  ~Robert Brault

The truth of the matter is I've never really been stagnant for the last years and I won't even use being depressed as an excuse. Let's just say I've been into a secret mission of soul searching and real life experiments which is more like an immersion. The last one I call it The Zero Pride Management and along with that I know I've been the most irresponsible kid for wanting to experience first The Retirement Life before I actually jump into a real lifelong career.  It's a product of a twisted mind but I guess in my case: it had worked. But I am not saying that it is the right thing to do for I can never truly justify delaying to be useful and to be of help because of self-centered ideals in any court and it's one of the mistakes I am guilty of.

"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first." ---  Ernestine Ulmer 

All I can say is that now I know how it was like to be empty-handed, to lose pride, to be degraded at its worst, treated like an imbecile and, sitting at the lowest of either the caste system or the totem pole or whatever hierarchy this discriminating society has. (I guess I'm being emotional that I'm kinda exaggerating this. Please pardon me, it's touching a sensitive side too personal to express.)

But then I know now too how peaceful life can be without obsessing into earthly things like material wealth or titles. Suddenly, you become more humble, fulfillment comes easy while your expectations become manageable, you appreciate every little acts of kindness, you value more relationships and people who still treat you nicely despite your shortcomings, you're grateful for even the littlest things and, you start to realize that you've been blessed a lot every time you wake up into a bright new day.

Now I am ready to get back on track with the hard-earned lessons:

• No one has the right to treat anyone worst just because they thought they're far better because if they were actually they should know that, Better people don't treat anyone less than they expect to be treated themselves.  

You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.  

~James D. Miles

• Money isn't everything but I have to tell my dumb brain to stop being exaggeratedly altruistic because I need some to put food on the table. 

• Problems are blessings. They are meant to exercise all facets of being.

"I know God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much." 

— Mother Teresa

• It is really possible to have more when you have nothing.

“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company… a church… a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past… we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you… we are in charge of our Attitudes.”

• Not everyone is alike. People have different reasons and motivations for doing things so we must always give the benefit of a doubt. Be open-minded, you may be hurt but it's not right to hate the world for few bad apples you met along the journey.

"You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is like an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty." — Mahatma Gandhi

I know I still have a lot more things to learn I'm not even halfway there and time will never stop and wait for me while am getting ready; it was my choice then to run on my own pace that's why I know I am never left behind. (While some people are busy meddling with someone else's business and trying to race with one another; playing survivor: outwit, outplay, outlast everyone in the game I was busy competing with myself.) That's why I know I'm just right on time the way it was meant to be for everything happens for a reason according to will and for that I can never complain. All I can do is to stand up as fast as I can every time I stumble.

Everyday is a battle and the world is an arena it's just a matter of choice how you're going to fight. Will it be fair and kind, cruel as devil-may-care, or even survival of the fittest? Some play tricks, some get dirty, some act, some think, some just shrug it off, some treat it as a comedy and some a tragedy. I choose to look at things in an optimistic bird's eye-view which brings me to a conclusion that life is good in general and I can't wait to enjoy my retirement days and give back what is due to many an individual who cared for me during the toughest times and no matter what I know I will forever be grateful and in debt for the love and generosity...

Now, it's still a long way down the road so let's just get ready to rumble!

"Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin." — Mother Teresa