Speckles n Spectrum

back to basics seemingly-banal adventures of an eclectic modern muser...

"Learning from the Past, Hopes for the Future, and a Life's Journey of making the most of what's at hand."


What's up with the spectrum? Nothing, nothing except for a great lull. I've attended a blogging class and so I've discovered as I always know that I still got a lot to learn. When I say a lot, I mean A LOT.

I was a bit discourage to be honest. Everything seemed wrong and I wanted to start from scratch but then I chose to lie-low for a while, to breath and think it over. Maybe my blog wasn't that bad at all, my alexa rank is actually pretty fine to think this blog is just 2 months old and oh I just discovered that my site has a good rating based from a small number of votes with avast. Darn, it isn't that bad after all. But then I still don't feel that great, I'm still a useless person for some people that I think will never find anything good about me whatever the circumstances are. Ops, ops negativity again.

This is why I'm starting to get away from blogging for a while, at least the real blogging... opinion, rants, personal thoughts kind of blogging which I want to stop for a moment.  I'm becoming a drama queen in writing, hush, hush... maybe that's why a lot of my real-life acquaintances are backing off. I don't say much but well, I notice and I'm not a dumb ass, it's not being paranoid but I've got instincts you know? Blocked fb, private walls, deleted from my family's clan in fb group, wth? I'd like to ask what did I frakin do to actually deserve that?

Because you blog about things they will never understand and you write honest things that they will never admit even for themselves, said my brains.

Honestly, I'm hurt but then I am never the type who will wallow on things like that. On the other hand it means someone's paying attention. It must be a delight for me but well NO, I don't really blog because I seek for attention. Well, this is something only bloggers and hobbyist will understand. For me, I do this to saturate my need for an outlet to be creative and to think but if people like what I do, visitors are always welcome. It's my pleasure to entertain you then with my nonsense LOL.

My real-life circles' reaction are mostly negative base from that maybe because they are taking things too personal maybe a little paranoid that for some reasons my thoughts here are a product of my interaction with them. Yes and No. There are some but not everything is about them. Remember these are actually my introspection in life, my opinions and I never said that my truths should be everyone's truth. It can't be and it can never be. But this is actually a good sign for when there's a resistance it only means I've taken my grounds. I'm not a push-over, blinded follower on where the hypes going to lead the pack.

But still it's a shame, have I gone overboard on my opinions or did I spam my fb wall with egoistic, negative, obtrusive, foul nonsense? I know some are super sensitive like someone who I will never name here. I was even told that I'm not aware of my bad side. My eyes rolled upon hearing this? Really, like really? I am not? Darn, if only you take sometime reading my blog and you can find all the negative things you don't know that I shove almost everyday to my face. Maybe then you'll tell me the opposite of that. maybe you'll say I'm not aware of what's good about me.

But then I am surrounded by people who never see any good about me so it's never a surprise. That's why I'm actually changing my self-approach I gotta learn to see at least some good about me or no one will. I actually know my limitations, when someone jokes, you laugh and kid with them but make sure it will never be below the belt, it's called tact. I don't treat people in a hierarchy, I hate caste system. I treat each one like every other person who deserves to be treated well though I'm a little impatient when it's my mother. (Please understand I've had enough of her non-stop nagging though I genuinely miss her when she's not around) And well, I'm extra kind with kids. Some people likes to throw personal bad jokes but never knew how to take one back. Throwing fires but don't want to take one in return but obviously if you start one, almost always it will backfire right?

Sometimes it's funny that people think blogging is a rich people thing and being opinionated makes you a sort of know-it-all which I'm neither. It is a pity that some choose to be silent and afraid to mingle and explore every opportunity because they lack money. I am not rich too but that never hinders me to be creative and stretch out and make the most of what I have at the moment. You know being happy and grateful for what you have is very different for being contented. For if you are contented it means you are putting an end to every possibility. You stop dreaming and you get stuck there. But then if you are thankful and grateful for what you have you actually think of things to do and make the most out of it. You give back by enjoying life and becoming creative. That's the least I can do for now, I am not a hero, not even aiming to become one, I never consider myself righteous, I'm never good nor perfect but I just want to share that I am a mess but striving to be at least a one hot mess by living the way I am and never like any other. This is my garbage, you might pick something to recycle here or just a fair warning so you won't get the same dirt with me.

Now, now I'm wandering again in thoughts. yes this post is actually getting nowhere that's why it is called a rant, right?  So where am I? Oh still here on earth, darn!

Someone asked what happened to my blogging schedule. I realized it won't work for me because there are times that I wanted so badly to blog but then I got that stupid programming so I can't post anything unrelated to it thus instead of being productive I've shoved tons of ideas in oblivion. (I'm a stickler for rules especially my own rules that's how I discipline myself and I'm such a self-disciplinarian when I say this, SELF you really need to do this, talk about contrasting personality, huh? But that's how I get out of my vices: chain-smoking, drinking, partying and all)

Why not just save it and schedule it's publishing you may ask. It's something I still need to learn, I mean I know how to schedule a blog post but I can't get on the thought that I may not be feeling the same thing when I finally publish that post. It's actually a big deal for me to post things during the time that I want to post it and how I feel towards it at that time. Why because I'm an avid reader of my blog. The top reason why I write this is because it is for me, yeah, yeah selfish I know. But still I want it that when I reread it I can remember my exact feelings on the date and time of that certain post. Weird but well, I'm like that so just forget it.

Now, I'm still stubborn because I won't apply all of the things I've learned in the blog class. I don't want to be like everyone, I want people to relate to my blog somehow and identify with my experiences but I don't really want to be or do what everyone's doing like we need to wear some kind of uniform to show that we're on a team.

I'm grateful for the learning from the SITS class, I learned a lot but I'm keeping my individuality after all this is my blog and in Speckles n Spectrum I rule! But thanks, thanks much for all the lessons at least I've improved. It's really hard to bend an old tree and hard to teach a bad dog. Sorry for the trouble, lol. But I'm still part of the group and hope to participate in every possible way.

Btw as you can see from a previous post I'm venturing in another interest - fashion blogging, more things to learn, study, experiment, etc. I'm always hungry for new things and ways to squeeze my creative juices. I will never be too good for everything but still it will never hurt to start and try. A baby will never learn to walk, if he chose to remain seated and never get the courage to stand, take baby steps and let go. It's a hobby for chrissake, chill, you can try too if you want. Don't be too hard on yourself, enjoy life. It's too short to spend it in insecurity. I'm a plus size but I'm comfortable with my skin, it's a lot better than a slim who constantly compare themselves to supermodels. But I do want to lose some weight too for health reasons but not yet. Maybe some other time... hehe

And I really don't know why my title is "the lazy days bug" have I written anything that can actually be related to that? Oh crap never mind too lazy to think for another title now =)

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