Speckles n Spectrum

back to basics seemingly-banal adventures of an eclectic modern muser...

"Learning from the Past, Hopes for the Future, and a Life's Journey of making the most of what's at hand."


A friend asked me if I was crying a while ago and I wonder why?

Well, probably because of the last status I posted on facebook. It made me laugh... I'm just having tantrums it's too shallow for me to shed tears on matters like that. It's confirmed I'm still pretty much immature because I'm acting like a spoiled brat not getting what she wants and throwing fits.

I have a few friends not talking to me these past few days because of something I've done. (My faults vary from person to person. I guess I've been too naive and childish to disappoint quite a few in such a month of festivity... pesky me!)  I already said sorry but then how many times do I really need to say sorry to be forgiven? I'm not even sure if what I'm saying sorry for is the real issue because it's really too petty if it were. I thought we're friends but then I guess... that sucks... sigh =(

I said I won't go online on facebook but I can't help it I need gr8quotes and jokes to brighten my day so I'm just hiding haha and too bad I can't like and comment on stuff. Crazy me hayyy

Anyways I actually went offline for a few hours and it's a good thing because finally I was able to read the book my cousin gave me on my birthday (that is which on the above photo with pretty wrappings and all, so sweet of him =) I was supposed to read it yesterday but then I got preoccupied so today thanks to thy being moody I did it yey.

I started reading it about 4pm then at 10pm I was done. It is so inspiring and truly whiles away my time. I didn't expect it to be that leisurely to read. I thought I'll have to drag through the pages just so I can finish it. Surprisingly it was quite entertaining to read with a few bits of biographical stories of famous people like Oprah, Columbus, etc.

Destination Success is a book I know my cousin personally chose for he knows it's perfect for me or rather I badly needed it haha. I admit I needed the concrete realization from the book because I've been too easy go lucky for quite sometime now. Although I was heading there before I've even read this but still it's such a nice feeling to have read something like this with a very clear perspective about success.

It made me think what success truly means for me. My idea is just too vague and maybe too idealistic. Success for me is happiness. It's being with your love ones, having enough to get by everyday and a few of the whims, safe and sound, and doing what your heart truly desire.
But the book gives me more profound ideas about it. Success needs effort, diligence, perseverance, determination, and you have to sweat it out to achieve it. I know all of these stuff but for a while I'm not getting serious on the financial aspect of it because of some personal reasons (which is too personal to share haha)

Anyways, all of that will be changing soon because I'm getting tired being a subtle rebel.

Hey, Pa. If I had a baby that year s/he will be 12 years old by now and probably graduating from elementary, might have been something to celebrate right? But no we're not that kind of teens in spite of not growing up with a complete family because you have to leave before we even get to truly understand the meaning of "life."

Life has been pretty tough since. It was a rocky road and I wish it was delicious as an ice cream haha but it wasn't. So you might ask what's up? Hmmm, nothing much. I'm still that kid who learned the word stubborn when I was in Grade 2 because it was written in red ink at the back of my report card. Sweet right? Haha

I still miss those days because you were the only one who can actually laugh with me and my mistakes. I can break things and take it as if it was nothing making me feel I'm more important than that piece of glassware. (I still have that scar in one of my fingers that reminds me how you've offered to continue washing the dishes after I was wounded by a broken glass.)

I'm not saying good things about you because you're already gone. You know I'm not that kind of person. I won't lie just because you're already dead. I'm not into a game of impressing the living so why would I do things to please the departed? Silly right?

We had bad times too. In fact I clearly remember that you rarely get angry. It was a once a year event at most and I'm the lucky one who always get to celebrate it with a few strokes of real leather belt on my behind. And we know if you're pissed when we hear the keyword "sinvergüenza" followed by few bicol curses. 

We even argue once because of that shirt you're wearing in this photo.
I was 10 years old and growing to be boyish and starting to lend your shirts.
I argue that it has pink on it so girls can wear it too.
I won and I'm pretty sure not because you bought my argument  =)

But you know all of that and perhaps everything about us since probably you're up there watching us make a damn mess in this world. So really what's up with me finally writing about this dreaded topic? It's been years and you know what I guess I am finally free. I'm even surprise because this year it feels so good to be true.

Last year I wasn't able to think about it because we were all busy with the souvenir shop/cofitti and resto. I guess that's my gift from Virgen de Peñafrancia on her tercentenary year: peace of mind. I've been busy dealing with other stuff that I skipped the melancholy brought by September in 2010. I didn't have time to sit and day dream with a misty eye while listening to that Luther Vandross' song.

Quite the same thing happened this June on your death anniversary. I got busy with stuff and the next thing I knew I slept through the whole day. Then here's your birthday you're 57 by now, old man... haha

And you know what Pa? It's amazing to still be here after years of losing you and realizing that for this year it's going to be different from the rest for I finally let go. I no longer pray the same stuff. My litanies aren't wishful thinking and my day dreams are no longer the old what ifs. Finally I'm living in the present tense. I won't lie, I still cry when I think about you and I can't promise to keep my eyes dry whenever you pop in my head but it's now tears of joy, of remembering, and reliving the memories.

I can't still see the bigger picture of His decision of claiming you too early but I'm more optimistic and open to the idea that whatever His reasons might be something for the better.

But hey, stop right there. Do you all really think I'm that super duper mega stubborn that I needed to get through all these initiations to get pass life on earth? As if I wanted to go to your so called heaven haha

Life is a freak but well, sorry life for I am freakier than you. Gotcha!


I got this song we loved to listen to during my grade school years. Sorry I lost the cassette tape I don't know why of all tapes Matt Monro's album is missing while Vina Morales and the Cha-Cha tapes are still here, shame.

I guess this song speaks a lot about you and the things that remind me of you. These are the stuff that made up my ideals too. Thanks for everything and sorry I'm not the type to make promises for I think promises are made to be broken and I'm forgetful and fickle which makes it more difficult. But I know for sure that's fine with you because you've always been very accepting of who we are.

So long Pa, I'm just here being myself. I know that's good enough. I don't need fireworks or anything to make you appreciate the rest of me. You've been with us for only a short span but you were able to give us what some people might take more than a lifetime to accomplish. You're not the teacher yet you've given us the most wonderful lessons without being aware that you did. You don't impose or force, you gave us freewill and had always asked, "Ano ang gusto mo nene?" You made us feel what love truly is, we don't need to sacrifice anything to earn it because you've given it for free and unconditionally.

Ma said you're the sosy type, you're spoiled and your hands were too soft for a man which in layman's term "lazy." (I do get the same comments about my hands (which I think is too shallow for people to conclude laziness by just basing on the softness of your hands because I too do household chores for am closer to being poor than being a princess) but I'd like to ask: Is loving household chores the sole basis of being industrious? If it was my, why did I wasted my time going to school if everyone just wanted us to perfect dish washing and doing the laundry? Ha ha, sorry stupid thoughts again. Well, I went to school so I can find something to do that doesn't involve scrubbing the tiles all the time. Though I wouldn't mind doing it once a year haha)

Seriously, I don't care I'm not blind and I know of course that every person has their negative traits but yours simply drowned in the long list of distinctive good things:

  • you're the most down to earth person I've known
  • you give the last of your centavo even to strangers who knock even on the wee hours
  • you're a friend to all that even little kids admire you
  • you're loyal and faithful that even if girls drool you simply tease your way out
  • you're the easiest to please for your joys were of simple things
 and there's quite a list but I'm going to cut it here before you yell out your magic word =)

Happy natal day and advance greetings for me and Anchie too. =)

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