Speckles n Spectrum

I'm beginning to think HE is all ears to me. All my major prayers I had from childhood had been fulfilled or at least let's say was granted. I should be happy right? But it is creeping me out especially that I am a weird soul and obviously my mind's wishes aren't always the typical type. You're maybe wondering what I am talking about so I'm glad to fill you in.

(photo credit)

I clearly remember when I was 10, fourth grader then. I had wished to be famous, rich and powerful and people will be watching my life on TV like it was in the Truman Show. I think Truman Show wasn't filmed yet then but the idea was like that. Why? Because I wanted to test myself, my main question was: What would I be when that time comes? Will I act like an airhead and be blinded by all the glitters and use power evilly to my advantage? Would I still be me and will I remain a good person despite that status or will I be eaten by greed?

The answer was: I will remain a good person and stay humble whatever life brings me for richer or poorer, blah, blah and all that stuff you hear on a wedding rituals.

Hm mm, probably you're already thinking and questioning am I a lunatic?. Well, part of me is. Ha ha. But truly this had happened. I've experienced all of these on my schizophrenic episodes. That's why I always think of it as a blessing in disguise. I've got what I had wish for. I just wanted to know that fact and so HE had given me the chance to realize that through a lucid dream while I am wild awake with all my senses into action that I had a choice which way to go. And I thank HIM for that experience, because of that I am no longer one of those people who still spends hours wondering, having what ifs, if they have all of the mundane things in this lifetime and thinking that's all there is to life to achieve fulfillment and real happiness.

In my delusions it was a chaotic world up there. Gossips, discontentment, angst, etc. it was maybe an exaggeration but I know it isn't too far-fetched from reality. But I think my conclusion are valid after all it is our self-perception or how we look at things that makes us who we think we are and how we act in our society. And for that time, I believe I was all three: famous, rich and powerful and my hallucinations given that all my senses are all in for a ride, I was even tactile so all of them are working in making me believe that it was all for real. That's why I keep saying that I have passed that test with flying colors but it doesn't mean I've never committed anything bad during those eps, the worst was committing suicide. Yes, you heard me, not just once but twice (maybe this should be discussed in another post, some other day if I actually have the time and enthusiasm for it)

When I've read "Tell Me Your Dreams" I wanted to know if it was for real and every time I see someone talking to himself downtown in public I always wanted to know what's going on in their minds. I'm that curious and keen observant. A lot of people even from my school use "schizo" as self-description but they didn't know that reality isn't as cute as they like to project. But the experience had given me a lot of advantage and maybe it will even be my inspiration and ticket in writing a good book someday, we'll never know.

I wished my mother will love me because all my life it seems she didn't. I don't want to go through the details because it will probably bores you and I don't want to reminisce all of that again. Some are petty, too petty since I was too young then but some are pretty disturbing that it had given me a conclusion I might be adopted. But then my wish was granted one day during my depression I realized she loves me after all. So much for a blessing in disguise that depression huh? But don't assume we don't argue now and then, it's just our relationship were way better pre-depression stage. But wait, sometimes I still think LOVE isn't the right word, CIVIL is (because she is traditional and she strongly thinks it is every mother's duty to take care of their kids or else what might the society thinks given that she is a teacher) oops, well don't blame me for having such thoughts because I've distinguished those things seeing her LOVE for my late sister and that was LOVE but that kind was blinded so maybe I had the real love treatment then? I really don't know and from this I know I should just seal my lips. I will never understand it I guess unless I become a mother myself.

I've prayed to be a heartthrob... Oh, rephrase it, to be likable, there it is better. I've got few suitors I never really like and the ones that I like seem to look at me in a distant. Mostly they told me I am pretty intimidating... maybe this wish isn't really granted... erase, erase then. Ha ha. To think I've never been good handling suitors, I'm good in turning them off and running (literally) when it starts getting serious or for real. So never mind this wish I don't need admirers, maybe I just need one who will stay for the rest of my freaking life but then I maybe heading to single-blessedness so good luck to both of us, whoever that unlucky guy might be for me.

And then April 13, US time, 14 in Phil. I was secretly hoping for my blog to be picked out of half a hundred sign-ups and almost halfway through the 25 blogs for the day of SITS comment hour and starting to lose hope but wasn't minding it at all since I am enjoying the new community I've found over the net, rummaging through the tweets and figuring out how I can catch up reading all those wonderful blogs, one after another then suddenly I've to blink a few more times than usual for I can't believe I am blog 18. I love the number 18 and that's triple treat already for me. It was my first in comment hour, I got picked and I'm 18. Woohoo! So many blessings to be grateful for in just an hour and of course it means comment love. And there goes my problem.

Honestly, I always say I am not afraid of opinions or being judged but well it isn't that easy when you are actually facing it for real and this will be the first time I've ever actually opened my blog and welcome comments in any of my writings to people. I had shared my diary with my best friends in hs but still it isn't the same letting strangers actually read my stuff. And my blog is somewhat, No, it is very personal. I write my heart and soul in here. My views and opinions, my idiosyncrasies and I am a bit scared and shy of what other bloggers might think of my blog, not ignoring the fact that the blog line-ups for the comment hour are pretty good.Oh my, oh my, these are pretty good experienced bloggers, I was tensed and praying I should have never wished to be picked or let alone join this community but on the other hand I know I've been in a beautiful sisterhood that I should be thankful for rather than feeling like a jerk. I am admitting that there are still a lot of things I need to learn about being truly open for all and I'm taking baby steps to achieve it and yes I am open even for violent reactions... or maybe NOT, just please don't eat me and I don't think you will since I won't taste good and that's for sure but you can kill me, I'm happy to oblige you just make it fast like a snap that way it won't hurt, easy... ha ha

I've always wished to find a little community in the inter-webs, something that will share the same passion that I have writing, blogging, sharing, photography, poetry, food love, fashion, etc. And I am lucky I found SITS and now my membership application had been approved and I'm finally a member of SheWrites. I am a docent too for WikiTravel. Now the problem is how am I able to cope up with all the things I wanted to do and be able to deliver especially in my own critical exaggerated standards? Tough one.

So be careful what you wish... for you might just get it.

This is a subject or an area that I've been avoiding to tackle in my blog. I hate politics, No, I despises it and I don't want to dwell into this pit, muddy, dirty, soul draining world of greed and personal hidden issues. I have think about this, slept, analyze, slept again and after hours of deliberation I surrendered and my activist old self resurface.

I was enraged upon hearing this current issue and I started questioning again what is happening to my fellows to ever come out of these kinds of ideas while questioning myself if maybe I am the close-minded one seems I think most of the time differently from others and I've a constant weirdness meter or checker for not belonging into stereotypes → my mom. Did I told you before we are two very different souls, physically living under one roof but walks in a different world, mind-set and everything else.

I just learned 2 days ago that Cong. Salvador Escudero, a crony leads a campaign and has already gotten 204 members of Congress to sign the petition to have Marcos interred as a hero and transfer him to the Cemetery of Heroes (see The Philandering Greedy Marcos a Bayani?)

Asking my mom about it, answering with obvious annoyance for being asked early in the morning (sorry, my bad) about this, she simply said: "I don't care about it. It's all up to them." A friend, a former activist told me, "There had been reconciliation so it's okay." Followed by a question, "Have you or your family been directly affected by Martial Law?"

My answer is No. There's no one in my family that had been directly affected by it, maybe, nothing that I knew of. But even though I am still against this petition. I don't need to be the actual victim before I need to condemn bad behavior or any evil things. I am claiming to be an armchair activist, still a little subtle than most activist, I live my life, Yes, I do have a life and I will never be the type now (I guess, I've been almost way back in college) who will go to the streets raising banners or will hike and live in the mountains just so the government can hear my side of the story. No, nothing like that. I am more fond of Rizal's "the pen is mightier than the sword" though I opt more for Bonifacio to be the National Hero since he's more well-rounded and had been a one-man DIY hero and he is a writer too in case some are not aware of that.

What is a Hero then?

We can find too many definitions but the most ideal of these that I found are these two:

a man of distinguished courage or ability, admired for his brave deeds and noble qualities.
a person who, in the opinion of others, has heroic qualities or has performed a heroic act and is regarded as a model or ideal: He was a local hero when he saved the drowning child.

For me, a hero is someone that inspires you to be good, an ideal model of greatness, honor and morality. And no matter what we do the ex-President wouldn't fit that description.

"The petition is for him to be buried at the Libingan ng mga Bayani... The prerequisite of which is that the person should have fought in the war ( World WarI and II) and should have been in government service. These are 2 things that Marcos did. It doesn't require a person to be rated whether he fought well or served the government well."

Alright, is that all? So maybe we should change the name of the cemetery into something else. For if it's all that there is behind the name "Libingan ng mga Bayani" I am 100% sure the one that coined the word hero or heroes didn't mean it to be just that and it sure means a lot more than that or why there is such a petition for this to bury him in there, for all I know the hidden wealth can always be use to afford even to make another cemetery even fancier and bigger than the Cemetery for Heroes. So why bother? Because for obvious reasons, it means a lot. Honor for the Marcos family and disgrace to all Filipinos whoever let this become reality.

(photo credit)

As I've commented on the petition page:

Declaring him as a hero will make us a laughing stock of the world. Our country had been well-praised for starting the people power movement and it was against this man. Now Marcos: a hero? It's like saying Hitler should be too or maybe even Osama bin Laden. tsk.tsk.

Well, I agree that we should move on now but moving on doesn't mean accepting what's wrong and making it look it is right just because it had been a long time. No matter what we've done, what's wrong is wrong and nothing can change that fact and make it right even time can't justify all Marcos' wrong doings. We can forgive him but it's insane to give him such honor and privilege to be on the heroes cemetery. It's like you would never let a criminal sleep with your precious ones and you will never put a tin can inside your jewelry box. Think about that...

If you have the same view help us trash this petition by signing here.

On the on going corruption that's been happening in the Philippines and it seems there isn't a big fish that had been punished and sentenced to imprisonment maybe because of politics and connections and the last one just committed suicide choosing death after losing honors, tainting his reputation over alleged controversies. Now I don't know how we will be able to fix this, corruption seems to be a virus slowly crawling a person's veins one at a time and rooting there, growing as time goes by. Philippines just recently ranked #3 in the most corrupt countries in Asia and #3 in the world as the happiest just like ignorance is bliss. We know we are corrupt and we are happy about that, is that it? Haha. So how are we really going to cure that virus that had been eating up our system? Corruption doesn't exist only in the government, it is everywhere and even in school where we should all be idealistic and where we should learn all things moral, it's a pity it is existing there too. And I was so deeply affected and saddened to know the reality that even in SK (youth's election), as young as teens they are already practicing vote buying and dirty politics. I know April 9 was "Araw ng Kagitingan" and I just said from my last post yesterday that I am proud being "Pinoy" but I shall never say I am  patriotically blind. We will never fix a problem by denying its existence and hiding them. This is the truth and rampant corruption is the biggest hurdle why we are still a 3rd world country up to these days. Alleviating corruption should be everyone's battle cry and should start within one's self. Let us all prove to everyone what Mark Gosingtian produced in his T-shirts: "Where I'm from, everyone's a HERO." And I don't think heroes are corrupt, don't you?

How good people turn evil is an article I've found in Maria Ressa's blog, former ABS-CBN's head of news department. She had given in this video her speech for MSD entitled The Courage to Do What’s Right the thin line where you cross from being good to being evil in just one quick decision.

I had a good sleep almost 9 hours of real pure sleep after being 24 hours up and I was thinking of lying in bed for a few more hours getting more time to rest for I haven't done that these past weeks but I suddenly realized I forgot to post an entry yesterday because I've been busy fixing my blog design and html got me all crazy. So if I lazied up and stayed in bed it would mean 2 days of no blog entry and I just happened to promise myself that I'm going to post everyday if it is possible. So yes I'm deciding to be steady, I think you might have thought this post is about me going steady with someone, well, NO... that someone still haven't crossed my way (that is if there's really someone out there for me) but YES, "Going Steady" is about being committed in a relationship. And this is the day I'm having "sandugo" (blood compact, not with the literal blood of course), a sealed promise and friendship with myself being consistent. 

I’m shallow for the deep,

I’m too deep for the shallow.

I sleep but never rest,

I eat but never really sure to digest.


I come to check what’s in my mind,

all I see is just a hollow ground.

You can’t be serious if you are dumb,

can’t be funny when you are numb.


I wear something tight

to know what’s right

and get loose

to forget what I have lost.


I crumble to pieces when I’m a mess

and pick it up when I’ve figured out the ways.

It’s always been like this

in the story of my days;


I jump out and scream

when I’m happy not just with ice creams,

I let out a sigh

when everything is all too high,


I cry and moan

when I can no longer hold on

but I can’t afford to lose hope

every time I get off the loop.


I’m going round and round,

circling my bound,

a usual incident

in my life’s natural stint.

(photo credit)

Reality bites?

It’s us who think and give its fangs.

It’s my mind that makes all the blur

It’s my heart that paralyzes the door.

It is I that’s making it work

It is I that can stop it short.


I don’t love to hate

I just love to think.

Don’t tell me, you’re still expecting to be cute

When you’re dealing with your thoughts?


I forget the world

when I’m traversing this fold.

I need to gather my strengths

to smoothen my lapses.

I got to have my wits

to defy my fits.


All I am is nothing but myself,

a fool standing up for her beliefs.

I talk to myself once in awhile

to check if I’m still alive.

Truth is, the sarcasm is all worthwhile

in knowing that I’m still alright.


I guess my insanity

wants to resign

but willing to show up

in case I need some back up.


We can’t be all too sane

to stay up in this jammin’

I hope this time we won’t fail,

Yeah, it’s a deal!